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I’m housesitting for Matt and Richelle Voglewede right now.

I’m in an awful mood. I think I MUST be having a PMS attack. One dumb thing really upset me today, and my mood keeps getting worse and every little silly thing that happens just makes me angrier and angrier. That’s the only explanation of what is wrong with me. I forgot to check my calendar when I went home to see if I’m due for another PMS attack already. It doesn’t seem like I should, but it sure feels like I am.

I don’t know what else to say. I want to put on some moody music and lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I wonder if Jill’s going to call me? I need to talk to Austin. I’m s’posed to see a movie with Jill tonight but I don’t want her to call. I just feel like going and seeing soooomething by myself.

BYE!

I’m still PMSSSing! I’m tellin’ ya, this is the LONGEST PMSSSing I’ve had to deal with as much as I can remember. I’ve been really irritable for three days in a row and today, I’ve been really emotional. Austin was at our bookstudy, and I was in an awesome mood because I knew he’d be there, and I had made a cake since it’s our last bookstudy in the Williamson home.

He mentioned to me the other day that he thinks Sara might like him, and Jill actually SAID to me that if he and I don’t get together, wouldn’t he and Sara be cute together? I was like, NO. And she actually asked, “Why not?” I was like, NO, NO, NO!!!

Anyway, I walked in the door at bookstudy and Sara was sitting next to him. I was so mad I didn’t even smile or respond when she smiled and waved and complimented me. She had a seat next to her, but I thought, “Forget it,” and sat at the other end of the room and sulked. Actually, I went and cried in the bathroom. I guess she’s a little competitive when it comes to guys, just naturally and without realizing it. With me, I hate EVERY KIND of competition, and when I’m faced with it, my natural inclination is to give up. And I absolutely WILL NOT compete with anyone for anyone’s attention. And I’ve noticed that when the three of us are together, if she starts competing with me for his attention, I immediately back off and I guess I start to feel kind of depressed. But tonight at book study I felt irritated because I felt like she was paying too much attention to me and leaving Austin out.

I’m just being silly though. Poor Sara’s going through a lot right now, and needs both of us close by. But everytime I hear that they’ve talked on the phone or she’s gone to visit them, I feel jealous, and I can’t figure out why. I KNOW Austin loves only me, and have absolutely NO DOUBT he’ll be faithful to me FOREVER. And I Know the last thing Sara wants is to come between us. And Austin told me he’d never let anything come between us anyway. So what’s my problem? I can’t figure it out. I hoped maybe writing in my journal would help me figure it out. It’s been so long since I’ve had to deal with feelings of jealousy. I thought I was above that. And love is not jealous. GRR. How frustrating.

“You’re like a piece of candy that I can’t refuse.”
-Austin

I am so exhausted! I went to a memorial service tonight for someone I’m related to. For some reason I always have the most fun at funerals! I told my mom that I feel a part of something bigger than just the three of us with all my relatives there. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’m emotionally exhausted too. I think I need some time to myself. Or just talking to Austin. Only Austin. Or both. I was just thinking about it, and realized I need some sort of vacation - I’m really glad I get to housesit for Gramma Beirnes! It’ll be just what I need. Whew! Time alone! I can tell when I’m ready for time alone because I get pretty irritable with my friends and feel drained after spending normal amounts of time with them. But it’s really refreshing talking to Austin, when we can just talk about our own thoughts and feelings and express our concerns. I love that boy so much. I’m so exhausted! I think I’ll try to go to bed early.

Had a great weekend! I just got back from Redfish with Cheri, though, and Mom’s been pacing the house and bawling for several hours. That almost doesn’t make the trip and the fun worthwhile to me.

I’m listening to “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica right now. Totally fits my mood. I feel like crying.

I’m starting to keep real close track of my mood swings. I’m trying to keep track of my really glum days and my really happy days and how often I cry.

I’m sick of my nose hurting and bleeding, and now I’ve got a sore on my top lip.

Too bad I missed the talk today, but at least I read the Watchtower article.

I went and saw the Beirnes’ yesterday! I’m so proud of myself! All due to the inspiration of my sweet Austin. They were thrilled to have me visit, and asked me to housesit for them while they’re gone! (Next week) I’m really excited. Well, as excited as I can be in this mood.

I told Cheri about Austin. We were talking about how close we (Cheri and I) are and how weird that was, considering how different we are. Although I feel really sisterly-bonded to Tammy, actually, Cheri is closer to a sister to me than anyone, since we grew up together (since pre-school) and stayed close no matter what - despite all the differences we’ve had and problems we’ve gone through. She thinks I’m Mary Poppins compared to her. It’s nice having her know how I feel about Austin. I told her that I really liked him, and she said she wasn’t surprised, though she knows absolutely nothing about him. (I told her he’s just like me.) I told her he liked me too, and Wayne knew about us liking each other and loved it and wanted us to get married someday. And I said I probably would.

I can’t wait to see him again! (I found a perfect place in the forest where no one was around where I thought it would be fun to throw him against a tree and go down on him (on a married camping trip, of course!)

I hope this trip was OK. I hope I can see him before Tuesday afternoon.

I’m not wearing my glasses (or contacts) right now, so I have no idea what time it is, since I’m laying in bed.

What a wonderful, wonderful day it was! I was in an AWESOME mood all day. I actually found the courage from Jehovah to take Patty Q on my really good call on Ranch Rd., and he was home, and I must have done OK, because Patty was singing my praises long afterwards and told me I didn’t seem nervous, which astounded me. So then I told her how hard it is for me to do calls and how sometimes I cry and cry because I’m so scared. She made really sympathetic noises.

This is cool. I’m writing with the book further away from my face and everything’s extremely blurry - I absolutely cannot see a THING and I’m just writing. I wonder how it’ll turn out? It looks really cool - writing while blurry, because it just looks like globs of grey water glooping on the page.

Wow. Something interesting this evening. I was talking to Wayne (the only Earl left - the rest in WA) and we started talking about Cindy and Wayne was kind of describing her (said she was extremely stubborn), and then he said, “She’s a lot like you, actually.” I was like, NO WAY!! He said that we have similar responses to things. He also said, of course, that a difference is her INTENSITY and that she either HATES something or LOVES it, and if she has an emotion about anything it’s either really really WONDERFUL or really really AWFUL. To me, it sounded like a nice way of saying she had an awful temper, which I have, but I NEVER LOSE. But he said that Cindy USED to be a LOT more like me than she is now. The issues I’m dealing with now are issues she’s dealt with, and Wayne said that all of the advice he’s given me has been based on Cindy and observing her cope and change. He said many of the observations and feelings I’ve expressed were exactly the same as Cindy had related to him when she was trying to figure things out.

How strange, isn’t it? From what the kids have told me about her, I can’t imagine how we’d be ANYTHING alike. But Wayne knows her better than them, and knows me well enough too. I would like to get to know her better. I just wish there was some way to help her improve.

Wayne gave me a wonderful hug this evening after everyone had left the parking lot. He parked beside me, and said that during his talk he was looking around for me and got a REALLY WEIRD sensation because he couldn’t see me anywhere! I thought that was funny. What was also funny was that in the parking lot when he was about to hug me I got that initial alarm I always get when I’m about to hug Austin - that - “Look around, really quick and make sure no one’s watching first!” feeling, and he WOULD NOT let me go! I kept patting his back like, “OK, Wayne.” It was funny. He gives REAL hugs like Austin and Linda do.

Good morning! I’ve had a wonderful day. I am so in love with Austin. SIGH!

This evening Linda and I did our own thing, even though my Austin’s out of town. We talked! She’s so insightful, and she asks such good questions to draw me out. We talked all about Austin and Cindy and my parents. She told me all of Cindy’s wonderful qualities, which I have been praying for, because I don’t want to dislike her. She said that when she was younger, with less kids, she was the kindest, most loving person there was. She didn’t have one thing she didn’t share with her kids - any kind of treat she had she’d share with all of them, and she was so loving with the babies - esp. Jill, Austin, and Alyssa, and Linda said that that’s where they get their wonderful, sharing, caring qualities. Linda said that’s why Austin is such a loving, caring person - he gets it from his mom. But the more kids she had the more stressed out she became, and Linda doesn’t think Jenna and Lacey get the same amount of love that the older kids got. Also, since she’s not doing too good spiritually, she’s lost Holy Spirit, and therefore, it’s fruitage.

I feel sorry for her now. Now that I know that there is SOME Austin in her, I love her. I love her for putting the golden heart in my Austin. It’s horrible what she’s doing to him now, though. Linda asked if I knew why Cindy and Austin haven’t been getting along, and I said she can’t control her temper, Linda’s face grew very serious, and she said, “Is she still throwing things at him and trying to hit him?” And I said yeah. I almost started crying, but waited until she left the room. She said she and Wayne once talked about Cindy, and they had both arrived at the same conclusion as to what the problem was, but it also made me feel better to find out that Wayne is more aware of what’s going on than I thought. I see now that there is no way he’d talk to ANYONE except Cindy if he was trying to help her change and become a better person. Linda said she’s changed SO MUCH. It’s so sad. My heart goes out to her - knowing there’s a soft heart somewhere inside her.

I’m so thankful I was made aware of it. I just wish she could change. Actually, I wish she never would have.

These thoughts were going through my head this evening - also being able to talk about Austin to a mature adult who actually cares and listens - infused within me the desire to be the best wife that ever existed on the planet and to love him more than he’s ever been loved by anyone before.

I’m doing OK this time. Monday and Tuesday morning were really tough, but my attitude is positive and I’m thinking about him constantly but my thoughts are happy thoughts - how much I love him, how happy he makes me, how happy he is when he’s with me, and I’ll never forget that stunning smile on his face when he kept kissing my hand and smiling up at me. His eyes were shining and twinkling and sparkling like millions of stars and galaxies, his face was lit up as bright as the sun, and his smile was as clean and sunny and wide open as the ocean. His happiness was so large and wide and huge that I felt like I could dive in and go swimming. Just the way he looked at me I could feel the cool waves wash over my soul and fill me with his contagious bliss.

I really want him right now!

I was talking to Linda about my learning to be dependent (I bought a pink shirt today!) and Linda said that you HAVE to be open and loving to EVERYONE, no matter what jerks they are, because if you hate anyone, then you hate yourself. She said that you have to love and be open, and your heart will be broken over and over again because people are cruel, but in being open and loving you prove yourself victorious, and they are responsible for their own actions, and you will always come out the winner. So far this year is the PINK year!

Sigh! Another long day. I had a great evening though. Austin called me today because his mom was yelling at him and told him that when they get to Washington she was going to pick at every little thing he did. What the hell kind of a mother is that?!! I was so furious. He is the kindest, sweetest, most unassuming fellow in the world, and she treats him like shit because she doesn’t understand him. And anything she doesn’t understand is unacceptable, I guess. I don’t understand her. How can a mother not love and accept her kids for who they are? Why doesn’t she see his good qualities instead of trying to force the qualities on him that are unnatural to him? I hope she still doesn’t try to interfere with his life as an adult. I would never be able to handle all the attention she gives him. Well, I guess she ignores him most of the time, but when she’s not ignoring him, she’s watching him like a vulture, hovering over him and waiting for the moment to
TEAR HIS HEART OUT!!!

Aw! I hear a kitty meowing! I’ve been missing kitties lately. I think if I were living on my own I’d find myself a little kitten about now. One already trained, of course.

This evening, I went and saw Wedding Singer with Cheri, then went to Angel’s for drinks and appetizers. I had a sidecar and she had a Dean Martini. And we had escargot and calamari!! Nummy. She’s not doing well spiritually. She really needs a lot of help and encouragment. It was so nice to be with her and talk.

I should eb going off to bed now. So far I’ve cried three times today. None of them were (really) heart-wrenching sobs though. Actually, I was missing Seattle today while listening to ‘Isobel’, and I started crying pretty hard. I sure hope Austin gets to go to Seattle. I forgot to ask him if he can listen to Bjork while he’s there. Bjork is absolutely PERFECT Seattle music, especially ‘Isobel’. I’ve never taped that song for him. I sure hope Austin wears his seat belt the whole time. With his freaked-out mom driving at night and his tendency to forget his seat belt, I’m worried.

I need to write in my journal! I haven’t written in it FOREVER. I really should make more time to write i it, especially when I feel bad. I’ve had a very emotional week - crying all the time. Friday morning my cargroup was Patty, Louella, Rosalba, and Leyla. Let me tell you, I was feeling like a loser and was really discouraged after working with them. In the afternoon I worked with Austin and told him all of my woes. I didn’t feel better ’til a lot later, though. I wonder if I was stuffing, though? When I was trying to pour out my heart to him, which is really difficult for me anyway, he kept getting distracted and talking about the really ugly guy that was in there. (He was ugly, and hysterical to watch!) I remember feeling irritated and feeling like he didn’t like listening to me, even though I could tell he really cared and would try to focus on what I was saying. But I remembered thinking that I would be paying a lot more attention in his place, no matter how funny-looking the guy was.

I didn’t realize that it bothered me until just now. I think that’s why I didn’t feel better for a long time. But I kept saying to myself that I knew it was pretty hard to listen to a serious conversation when you’re in such a good mood and there’s such an ugly guy in the room. I remember once I almost told him to ‘nevermind’ and that I’d talk to him when he felt more like listening. But I knew he really did care about me and he wanted to hear, whether or not he felt like it, so I kept talking, but didn’t feel better afterwards. Then later he said he was disappointed that I wasn’t in a better mood and that I wasn’t being affectionate enough. I was the one who needed the affection! It’s a lot harder for me to reach out when I’m in a bad mood. I tend to internalize it and need someone to take the initiative and hug me or something, and then my cold soul melts.

Yesterday I went with him, Alyssa, Jill, and Sara to see Ever After and Zorro. It was fun, but the poor guy was freaked out. Once I tried to lean closer to reassure him but it freaked him out worse. I hate it when he feels that badly because he gets a twisted view of himself and takes everything the wrong way and I get frustrated because he’s convinced that he’s done something to make me mad and it was nothing that made any difference to me at all - something I don’t even care about - and he won’t stop apologizing and asking if I’m mad. And I’m not mad. And then he keeps apologizing for the mood he’s in, and what am I supposed to say to that? I told him it was OK but he kept apologizing over and over and over and after a while I was sick of saying it was OK. Eventually I’m going to get irritated and tell him to quit apologizing - it’s NOT A BIG DEAL, and that’ll make him feel worse which will be even more irritating and then he’ll start apologizing tens of thousands of times MORE which will be even MORE irritating, and THEN I might get angry, which is exactly the thing he’s trying to avoid.

I’m blaming his parents for everything, which I know I shouldn’t do, but if his mother wasn’t so damn abusive he might be OK. I was thinking this evening and wondering if she knew Austin had such low self-esteem, and if she knew, would she care? I was (am) feeling EXTREMELY ANGRY at her and at Wayne. I think Wayne would care that Austin has low self-esteem but he wouldn’t know what to do about it, and it’s too late anyway. So why am I getting so worked up over this? I think I just want them to KNOW that it’s THEIR FAULT my precious little man and their invisible son has a crushed spirit to contend with and it’s THEIR FAULT he has such painful feelings. Then suddenly I had a vision in my head of Cindy flipping the van over on their way to Washington (they’ll be gone for a whole week, starting tomorrow!! :() and everyone dying (my Austin, DEAD!) and I cried so hard I started choking on my sobs, and I cried so hard I had to hold back from WAILING. Then I calmed down, until I remembered the unfairness of the way Austin was raised, and started crying a lot harder. The desire for revenge makes me want to tell Cindy off and tell her she’s a horrible, abusive mother who doesn’t care enough for the well being of her kids to make sure they grow up with a healthy self-image, instead selfishly giving in to her lack of self-control. But she wouldn’t understand me - she’d just beat me up and sic blind Wayne on me, who would rather stick his head in the sand than force his wife into submission. Well, duh, forcing never solves anything. He needs to make her do SOMETHING though.

I might say this is none of my business, but it’s MY AUSTIN we’re dealing with here AND HOW THE HELL COULD ANY ONE EVER ABOUT TREATING HIM WITH SUCH CRUELTY AND IGNORANCE AND DEGRADATION?!!!
WHY CAN’T THEY SEE HIM FOR THE ANGEL HE IS?!!!

It’s just not fair.

With every passing day I’m getting more and more convinced that I’m getting mildly depressed. I should mark on my calendar how many times I cry. I wonder what it would be like to start taking St. John’s Wort, but I don’t want to ask Mom about it because I don’t want her to know how I feel. Why? I know how she feels and I know how Dad feels. Why can’t they know how I feel? Why do I have to keep myself so hidden from them? Why does it matter to me so much that they only see me as this cheerful, happy person? *SIGH!* I should be going to bed. It’s almost three, and I have to go to work tomorrow, but not before I do my Bible reading. Good night and sweet dreams!