WISH I COULD BE IN YOUR EYES, TO BE ONE WITH YOUR LOVE, WISH I COULD BE IN YOUR HEART, LOOKING BACK, THERE YOU WERE
-AND HERE WE ARE-
Wish I could (be in your eyes!)
Fighting sadness, shame, despondency, fear, dread, despair, loneliness, emptiness
My problem lately has gotten out of hand - staying up too late - hiding out at work -
Killing Austin - disappointing him - hurting him - stabbing him in the back
-I can’t help myself - obsessed - driven - compulsive - helpless - enslaved - captive - animal - self hatred - uncontrollable - desperate - ashamed - weak - ugly - traitor
Betraying my love
My one and only deepest truest purest richest love
Will I - am I breaking his heart? Will this go on? Consume me? Consume us?
He’s sick. I won’t see him ’til Friday or SUNDAY. Maybe Saturday. I need his love and reassurances - I need his hug. I need the tender touch of his gaze
“I love him” are ridiculously weak words for my feelings.
SOUND
There is a sound I hear
As I drift off to sleep at night,
As I gaze over the road while driving,
As I breathe in and breathe out;
A sound that gains power
And melody
As time passes.
Sometimes it is a quiet lullaby
Sometimes it drifts and lilts like a ship;
At times it gains fervor and builds
To an exploding crescendo,
Surrounding and filling me with
Beauty and joy.
It is a sound that calls to me,
Beckons compellingly over the sound of the sea,
Visiting me from beyond the boundaries
Of space and time,
Yet it seems so near
As to be emanating from my heartbeat itself.
How long have I ignored this sound,
Treating it as irritating static,
Covering my ears in schizophrenic dismay?
But once I paused to listen,
I was enthralled -
For a childlike tune
Flowered into an orchestral symphony,
And I loved each instrument that, one by one,
Became a part.
This sound governs my soul -
It hangs in the air when I breathe,
It thunders through my veins from my heart,
It becomes my dreams when I sleep,
It soothes my forehead when I am troubled.
I see it when I watch the stars at night,
I hear it when I remember the ocean’s call,
And feel it when the gentle wind combs my hair.
This sound, this music
Pours from the soul of a boy;
A constant waterfall of beauty
Trickles from his heart.
This sound will never release me
This beauty will never cease to dazzle me
This music will always enchant me.
This love will always engulf me.
What a beautiful evening/day!
This morning my Austin was the only one from his family at the meeting. He sat next to Mum!
I really think Dad’s doing a lot better. He cracked a joke and everyone roared and I got all teary-eyed.
Wayne wrote a beautiful song for me. I feel so loved. Actually, I feel - I can’t think of a word, but it’s between like a goddess, pampered, and taken care of. I feel like the Goddess of the Universe! I don’t mean I feel royal, but I feel like everyone treats me like I am. I’m trying really hard not to let it go to my head!
I had dinner tonight with most of them at the Macaroni Grill. It was nummy!
I had to go home early, and Mom gave me a glass of wine because she needed to talk. She was really worried about me because of an email she had accidentally come across, and needed to talk about it. I assured her that everything was OK, and that conversation turned into talking about the Earl’s.
I am so happy. Do you know what she said?? She said that if I don’t get together with Austin, she’ll be very sad. She said she’s never known ANYONE who could be more perfectly suited for me. I almost started crying.
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was at a public park with Austin and Alyssa, and a three man gang approached, the leader looking like a dirtier and chunkier Eddie Izzard. The other two held Austin and Alyssa back while the leader “Eddie” began threatening violence to me. I knew he would and could beat me to death or at least critical condition, but I had no where to run. He had a huge slab of heavy steel he was trying to crack my skull open with by swinging it at me as hard as he could. I was cornered, and he swung so fast I couldn’t see as I ducked and dodged. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t getting hit - there were so many near misses. I was running on pure adrenaline, so dizzy I couldn’t even see the slab flying at me, and I don’t know how he kept missing me. He was getting angry, but finally laid down on his side and we were in the bedroom of my old house on May St. He was laying on the bed, and smiled sadistically and patted his butt, a gun in his other hand. He told me to kiss his rear-end as many times as he counted up to. And if I missed any times, he’d shoot me in the foot. Suddenly he started counting really fast and I could barely keep up. My foot tingled in horrific anticipation because I was certain I was about to get my foot blown off.
Finall he rolled over onto his back and put his hands behind his head in a self-satisfied smile. Then he demanded me to get on top of him and have sex with him or he’d do serious damage. I took a deep breath, slid on and then off, and it was over. I was surprised to not feel a thing, and I thought it wasn’t so bad after all.
Of course, that didn’t diminish the outrage I felt at his forcing himself on me, or the shame or humiliation. So later, back at the park, Alyssa and I hid some dynamite in his car and waited in the bushes until he got in. Then we blew it up, killing him. We were relieved and laughed.
*
The rapist must signify my current chief adversary - the negative emotions of others - namely, my parents. Upon telling them about Austin, they “ravaged” me with their outbursts, accusations, and forceful questions. After time passed, their reactions softened, and the pain of the first encounter turned out to be “not so bad after all”. But, still my feelings were there. But I fought back and destroyed the negative emotions of my parents. And I elicited help from friends instead of trying to do everything by myself.
Well, my journal’s just sitting down there on the floor like a stranger! I hate “catch-up” writing. I’d rather just write about the day.
I AM HAPPYYYYYYYY!
So are my parents. So is Austin. So is Wayne (except he doesn’t feel too good). So is Jarrod! He has a new car! My mom is FINALLY showing a real, active interest in the Earl’s. You have no idea how unspeakably happy that makes me.
Austin and I have been doing FABULOUSLY with our new “rules”. And he finally has a good guy friend!! It’s a beautiful thing to see Austin actually having someone he can hang out with who is understanding and kind and spiritual.
A saw A Beautiful Life this weekend. A beautiful movie! It’s put me in the mood for opera so I keep listening to the 3hree Tenors.
Life has never gone so beautifully. I feel like I’m being blessed by Jehovah. “I feel love from ALL sides.”
I’m too sleepy. Better get to bed. Bye!
Guess who’s lightened up?! : )
Service was really difficult this morning for both of us. We felt really weird because we didn’t know how to act around each other. We were both confused, depressed, and irritable.
But we kept trying to cheer each other up, and it eventually worked.
Some time in the afternoon he started getting really negative and finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I talked to him for a little bit about relying on Jehovah, and I kind of made him a little angry, but I knew I would and I had to say something. But I tried to encourage him and suddenly he was in a great mood, determined to be a changed man! We decided that life would be easier for us now because maybe because of the way we’ve been acting together has witheld some holy spirit. We did really good with our touching. Wayne gave me some advice on our conversations - he thinks we should still be of encouragement to one another, but to stay away from more intimate topics, which we’ll need to work on.
We’re both excited to use this situation to improve our reliance on Jehovah and exercise our self control.
I have been thinking that now I’ve come to learn to be dependent, I’m going to have to go back to independence. But I realized during book study when Jorja grabbed my hand during prayer that I wouldn’t have to learn independence again. What I need to learn is dependence on others besides Austin. Not to shut my heart and feelings off from others.
Oh, hell, I DID IT! I told my parents about Austin and me! Not like I feel GOOD or anything. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I feel miserable. At first Mom was COMPLETELY disgusted, and I didn’t think she’d take it that bad. Dad was much calmer (the sweetie) but they both feel ill. I feel shattered. Well, not exactly SHATTERED. But I feel QUITE horrid. I’m laying on my bed holding Charlie.
Ew! My fingernails are being weird!
I’m going to write a note to Austin and send a message to Wayne. I’ve never relied so much on Jehovah as I have last night and today. Why do I feel so much like laying down and dying? I’ve never wished more that 5ive years have passed.
Both my parents thanked me very much for talking to them even though it was really hard for me. As for right now, I can’t stop crying. I think they both think I’m disgusting for loving a sixteen-year-old. But Mom was right when she said that if I’m involved with him, he’s NOT going to grow emotionally. I’ve done all I can for the time being. The rest is up to him (and Jehovah).
Right at the moment I’m feeling like nothing’s worth anything so why do I even go on with my life. Now I can’t turn to Austin to comfort. I have to remember that I’m not alone though. Jehovah is still the most powerful person in the universe and he wants to help me -us-. It’s just that mom said she’s going to have a problem with me doing so much with the Earl’s now. But I tried to appease her mind on that one. Life is going to be fifty times more difficult now. She is going to interrogate me CONSTANTLY and I’ll feel trapped and smothered and unloved and untrusted. She’s going to watch like a hawk at the meetings. Or anytime.
I feel SO MISERABLE right now! I hate my life! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to call Tony Salkas. I left a message but I couldn’t even speak - well, I could speak, but barely.
I wish I could go to bed and sleep until tomorrow. I’m tired of today and I feel so alone. More empty and alone than anything.
I ammmm soooooo miserable! I just had a wonderful evening though. Me and Wayne and Austin had a talk about affection. Oh, och, egad, the prospect of touching Austin less is heartwrenching! We can do it though. We both resolved to do it. I cried after we had the talk. Wayne collapsed.
So we get home and I’m late but I called ahead and Mom starts asking all these specific, pointed questions about the evening. I was so taken off guard that I actually LIED to her and told her that it was me, Wayne, Alyssa, Austin an Jill. I hope - I feel horribly guilty! I’m choking to death! And she went on yet AGAIN about how WEIRD she thinks it is that Wayne and I are friends. WHY THE HELL CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?!! I should have told her the truth. That he was concerned about Austin and I are such good friends and wanted to give us some Biblical advice on not getting too involved.
I almost feel confident about setting things straight with her tomorrow on the subject. If the opportunity presents itself, then I will. Jehovah’s not going to help me in my relationships if I’m telling lies. Telling Lies!
I feel better. WHEW! With THAT little resolve! Now I can go to bed in peace! And maybe finally Mom will understand that Wayne’s my spare dad, like Lynda’s my spare mom. And that he’s helping a lot to keep us on the right track.
I hope, I hope, I hope.
