STAR CHART

There are tons of sirens going by on State Street! It sounds scary!

Well, things have been getting better, on the average. I’m housesitting next week and I didn’t even know it!

I couldn’t believe how gorgeous Austin is. Mom and I were talking about that. I CAN’T believe how gorgeous he is! I looked pretty good too. I think if we were married we would have gone home and ripped each other’s clothes off!

Today was such a struggle! I’m exhausted. I had to pray constantly to keep my mind on the right track, but I NEVER gave up! I made it safely through the day, thanks to Jehovah.

This is the last week of February! Spring is already in the air!!! YAY!

I’m doing MUCH better today. I did horribly on Saturday. I’ve been a little cranky on and off today, but on the average, in comparitively good spirits! My nose is runny and I have a sore throat. If Austin made me sick, he’s going to regret it! He was unspeakably adorable today. At one point he looked like he did in my picture of him when he was 13, with his eyes bright and full of youthful innocence and sunshine. He’s just so adorable. (My little Austin-box!)

I am so SICK of getting in this journal and complaining about one thing after another.

I’m bawling my brains out. It seems I’ve lost my self-respect. I don’t know if it’s a result of my problems with self-abuse, or mental homosexuality or what - (or if it’s mainly just February)

I feel horrible about myself. Austin deserves so much more. I’m not strong I’m weak I want to take care of him but I’m a pathetic whiney creep. I want to make him happy but all I do is tear him down

All I can think about is myself and my own stupid problems. My own stupid life. I want so much more. I want to be so much more. Austin read my journal, poor baby, it was probably hard on him. And I’m so confusing. I’m a capricious hypocrite. I’m a hypocrite!!

I just want to throw my head back and SCREAM. SCREAM and WAIL into the cold night like the BABY that I am.

My poor little Aussin’s sick!! Poor baby!

I wish we were married so I could take care of him.

For some reason I can’t picture a married couple without a waterbed. How strange!

Anyway, before the meeting, I’d make him a nice, warm, comfy little bed on the couch, and make him a nice cup of tea. I’d heat up some dinner for him. I can just see him half wrapped in a blanket, his hair damp from fever, his expression pathetic, as he weakly hung onto his tea with both hands and sipped it. I’d make him lay back on his pillow and put on some soft music for him and sit and touch his face, every once in a while kissing his hot little forehead and playing with his hair. Then I’d promise that after meeting I’d come home and take off his shirt and give him an oiled back massage. Actually, a full body massage would be better. Then I’d give him a huge glass of wine or brandy or sherry and put him to bed, and he’d zonk out. And I’d go to the store and -dang. All the things I liked as a kid he didn’t. Books, puzzles, coloring books. I don’t know what I’d get him. But I’d try to find something fun. Maybe play-doh. Yes! Play-doh! YAY!!!

I keep writing March or May! I wish!!

What a silly day I had! I spent hours convinced Wayne was agreeing with the former “evil” Austin, and stewing, seething, and rehearsing my self-defense. Then I FINALLY call him and find out it was all my overactive imagination!!! (And partly the way he explained his use of the word “chicky”.) :p What an exhausting multi-hour ordeal!

Sara called me tonight. She’s really angry about the letter. We’re getting together on Saturday to talk about it. Another :p

But I get to see my Aussin tomorrow! YAY!

I’M A RETARD!!

Sometimes (usually) I love myself. Other times I HATE myself and wish I could die. What kind of a wife am I? Austin deserves better than this, this pervert. This sexual pervert who keeps looking at women and committing homosexuality in her heart. Kill me! I feel so worthless.

And what about the way we act together? We can’t keep our hands off each other! I HATE IT! He keeps telling me that we’re doing so good, but no we’re not. We stink. We suck. How can he think we’re doing good? He compares it to how we were acting before Wayne’s talk. But how can we compare it to that? We weren’t even trying then. In my opinion, we’re getting steadily worse. What are we going to do? This can’t go on. Maybe pray for more people to go out in service and don’t go out so late on Tuesdays. I know if I mention it to Austin he’ll start swearing to do better, but he never does. He tried for like, one day once. It’s all up to me. No, no, no; I just have to REMEMBER to rely on Jehovah. It’s all my fault. Why can’t I ever remember to pray?!

I’m ready for the end. THE END!

I didn’t have to work today! Yay!!

I’ve had a great few days, with sadness hitting me only for about 5-20 min. each day. Except tonight I’m a little bothered again thinking about what Austin said to me on Friday and what I’m going to say tomorrow. I’m giving him something that explains SAD. I can’t have him thinking it’s all in my head.

It was an assembly - I think district - and Bree had just been reinstated. I hadn’t seen her yet, and I finally did. She saw me and looked ashamed and tried to pretend she didn’t see me. But I screamed “BREE!!” and ran at her and hugged her really tightly, and we both started crying. She said that she didn’t know I loved her so much and I said “I love you.”