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This is a bad week! Austin and I are both too sensitive this week.

I kept misunderstanding him tonight. He does this thing every once in a while where he brings up a subject that he knows we disagree on (or thinks we do, but has never really asked me how I felt, just assumed it), and first of all assuming I’m going to be angry with him, so he makes his beginning statement as if I’m already angry with him and he’s trying to defend himself. Of course, I’m all perky over there, and suddenly he’s bringing up a sore topic, and he certainly seems upset to me. So I feel hurt and defensive and don’t know what to say, and then he says he doesn’t know why I always get so upset about that subject. It’s like, hello, I didn’t bring it up. I’m not the one starting the arguement. And then he’s like, why are you so angry? What’s the matter? Why do you get so mad at everything I say? You know me! I HATE confrontation, and will do everything I can to steer clear of subjects I know we disagree on. So why does he always bring them up? Does he LIKE to argue??! I know he says he doesn’t. I don’t understand that. He’s said that his Mom’s said before that he likes to start arguements. If this is what she’s talking about, I can see why she said that.

I must have PMS. I’m feeling crummy. I was just crying. What a long, exhausting day I’ve had.

I’M SO FRUSTRATED! Austin won’t stop whining and complaining about everything. I’m trying to be understanding, but I find my patience wearing thin. Today it seemed like all he did was complain and be a cute little pathetic boy and he wants me to take care of him, so I did. And then when he’d feel OK he’d just stare at my body. Usually I don’t mind, but it seems like he’s been doing that a LOT more recently. It’s like he can hardly pay attention when I talk to him. I’m like, hello, I’m up here. I don’t want to complain about the fact that he finds me attractive, and it’s fine that he looks at me. I guess I’d just prefer he wasn’t so obvious about it. It kind of makes me feel cheap and empty.

Maybe, anfter taking, he felt like he was giving by appreciating my looks. But to me it seemed more like taking, because he was the one getting all the thrills. I just got to sit and do nothing. So today I felt like he took a lot out of me and didn’t give much back. He gave a little. He gave me my present, and he hugged me and told me how much he loved me. I guess I just needed more.

Or maybe I’m just entirely overreacting. Maybe it’s just PMS.

I haven’t been writing in my journal because I’ve been generally excruciatingly happy! My hand is sooooo tired for writing out Austin’s anniversary present. Tomorrow’s the day!

Wayne took us out to dinner tomorrow night. I mean, tonight! He gave us anniversary presents. : )

Hallo! It’s another mah-velous day - of Spring - but it’s not Spring yet! I’m finally happy, but those around me - well, I don’t know if they’re REALLY having problems or if they’re just stressing me out. This bears further analysis.

Lately I’ve felt irritated with Wayne, and I don’t know why, because nothing (apparently) has changed. And I don’t know if Austin’s been whining or complaining more than usual or what. Usually I don’t mind it. So either suddenly I DO mind, or he’s been complaining a lot more than usual. And it seems like there’s nothing I can do to make him feel better. Once I do something to take care of one problem, he immediately starts complaining about another. Maybe it’s just a brief phase he’s going through. If it persists and I continually go crazy, I’ll have to say something. Unfortunately. I feel so bad complaining about his complaining! It would just make him feel worse. But maybe he’d learn to be a little more self-reliant. “Straight through the strain and hope in your SQUEAKY CLEAN EYES!“ I love that. “Squeaky clean eyes!” What a nice phrase. Of course, it’s also possible that he’s been a lot “sicker” recently and really does have a lot more to complain about. Naturally, I would also be affected by his stress. But instead of constantly treating the effects, I need to help him figure out the cause.

Had a great day today. I love my Austin SO MUCH. Going now. Bye.

I’m OK now. It seems I was right and Mom was wrong. I’m exhausted. What a day!

I feel inept. At expressing myself. Misunderstood

All right. Here I go.

I was housesitting for Penny and Karry - an area they had rented in the hospital? The bedroom looked like mine. I was about to go to bed when I saw Austin sitting in his car watching me. I gleefully waved him over and showed him around. Then I did everything I could to get him into bed. I kept kissing him but missing his mouth, and kept leading him towards the bed but he kept getting distracted and he just wasn’t getting it, and I got really frustrated and finally gave up.

Wonderful evening! Saw Fiddler on the Roof with the Earl’s. A year ago, who would have thought my life would be this way? It’s wonderful.

Earlier, though, I felt like an abyss again. And I was extremely nervous, and had to fight extremely negative thoughts and feelings of self-loathe. I took a long, hot shower though, and talked to Jehovah about it, and felt better. I felt like he was bringing the arguements against my negative thoughts to mind so I wouldn’t drown in them. And I had the pretty blinking smile of my Austin to comfort me, and I felt worthy to be loved again. And Wayne and Alyssa also are very reassuring.

I’m back home in my own little bed again. Feels good, but my room needs an overhaul.