I never got to finish my last entry because Austin wanted to read in it. The sweetie. His spelling is so cute.
Anyway. Yeah, I had an interesting epiphany-type-thing the other day. -So - I’m a four - the Individualist - which means I prefer my emotional center and repress my doing center. Ain’t that the truth. But the book said that everyone has an “Original Wound” in their childhood when something happened to cause them to change when they realized life isn’t perfect or fair. Mine said that something caused me such pain that I lost my hope in others and so had to rely totally on myself. I was like, I can’t think of anything, because I was only thinking of my parents. But then I remembered how brutal school was to me, and I realized that was why I started repressing my doing center! Because anytime I tried to do ANYTHING, I was ridiculed and laughed at or insuted. Especially in sports, when people would get mad and yell at me, and I had no idea what was going on. So that was why I concentrated more on thinking. And feeling, because I could keep to myself and not irritate anybody or cause anyone to pay attention to me and start harrassing me.
So! Now I’ve got it figured out, which is going to make it SO much easier to “Do.” Because I’ll understand why it’s so hard for me and I won’t get frustrated with myself and angry at myself and put myself down.
Tuesday I was all ready to start a Bible study but I realized I needed to prepare better for service if I’m really going to make a difference. But I felt refreshed, rejuvenated, a new me. As I said.
I have felt new lately. Mostly. I’ve been depressed the last couple of days because of the way I’ve been acting around Austin. But I talked to him about it and we’re going to try to not be around each other so much, so it will be easier not to hug and touch. I really get disappointed with myself. Angry, actually, and worry about Jehovah being mad at me too. And I get really depressed and I won’t pray because I don’t think I deserve to feel better. Which is the wrong attitude, I know. I guess it’s like a sulking child. I wish I could learn to rely on Jehovah better. It’s so frustrating. I really want to. Oh well. I should be positive. Someday soon I will. I’ll get better every day, if I apply myself.
“I love you.
Thank you for everything
I loved this Jurnal & always want to heir your fealings.”
Hello, New Me!
I’m reading a GREAT book. It’s on the enneagram, and it just gave me a minor epiphany!
I had a “Revelation” today. Well, not really all of it today. I’ve started to realize that I haven’t been happy in a long time. I don’t know why. Well, I have some guesses. But mainly, I haven’t felt good about myself. I’ve felt vaguely dissatisfied, I’ve felt frumpy, I haven’t felt sexy in months, I’ve been quick to feel stupid or inept, and have been pretty harsh in my self-estimations. I’ve lost a lot of joy, and even though I’m still in good moods betimes, I’ve been generally unhappy. I think it’s because I’ve been going about everything the wrong way. Self-abuse, R movies. I’ve been trying harder to study, sort of, but haven’t been working toward any of my spiritual goals. It’s been twice as hard for me to be industrious, and I haven’t been caring about my looks at all, and I’ve been a lot more irritable with Austin. Even my handwriting’s been messy. I just think I don’t have any -or very much- Holy Spirit right now. I resolved today to STOP doing the things that displease Jehovah - to TRY HARD to rely on him when I’m faced with temptation.
I hope this is a new me.
This is the pen I used to make Austin’s anniversary present. My mood is pretty precarious this evening. I think I need to get away from everybody. I think when I housesit for Lillian in June I’ll take a day off again. 
I’m just getting stressed out. I’ve been doing a lot of things for and with my parents lately, which is fine and great, but I need a break. I need some time alone. I went out by myself the other night, which was much-needed, but Mom got really worried and had to call to find out where I was. Then she was waiting up for me because she had to tell me how worried she was. I am feeling suffocated and I need a housesitting job fast! And all week I’ve been looking forward to the grocery shopping, but Mom insisted on coming with me. Which is something I really look forward to. A few hours by myself, being responsible, doing something for the family, looking at all the neat things, and coming home the hero. But she offered to help, but pretty much took over. And she said it would be fun to do it together all the time! Fun for her, maybe.
And I’m really stressed out from dealing with Austin and Wayne lately. That whole situation really freaked me out, when Austin got really irritated with me for letting it bother me. How comforting. Not that I’m mad at him or anything, because I’m not. I just didn’t think that was fair for him to get so angry with me about it. I didn’t even get the chance to tell him what about the situation was bothering me. But he doesn’t even know why it bothers him. How strange. I hope this week is better.
I’m sitting at Jaker’s! What a place to have a journal entry. I’ve been deep in thought. I’m pretending I’m on Betazed. I’m eating seafood linguine and having a glass of Gwertziminer. Nummy. It’s getting dark and it’s deep blue outside. It’s nice and dim in here and the wood is glowing and the lights make everything look shiny.
I’m really worried. Austin and I are carrying on our wonderful relationship as usual, but both Mom and Wayne are worried that we’re too close. Mom has even considered asking the elders not to put us in the same cargroups anymore. The thought of spending less and less time with him is - horrible, heartwrenching, suicide. Even considering it I’m ready to burst into tears. NO! I don’t WANT to know what it’s like to live without him before I’m ready. I can handle Bethel, but that’s in the future and I’ll deal with it then. But not before! I’m not upset at either Mom or Wayne. But I can’t handle it. I’ve never loved or needed anyone so much, and he feels the same for me. It’s so scary. I’m so worried. I’m so sad and depressed. I’m almost ill. If it does really happen, I think I’d throw up. I’ve been upset for 2wo days. This will make it 3hree nights. I’m glad I went to dinner. It’s so relaxing, the atmosphere, and the wine really lifted my spirits. My server is really nice. His name is Jordan and he reminds me of Robert. I keep thinking about losing Austin, and it makes me feel like I’m falling backwards into a black hole - like I’m slipping into death. It’s a wretched feeling.
I really don’t have much to say. I’m reading an excellent book My Friend My Father. It’s really interesting and new to me to read about this super-close relationship between a girl and her father. It seems so foreign but nice, but when I think of being that close to my own dad, it seems really uncomfortable. When I picture myself in a really close father-daughter relationship, I picture a warm, strong, gentle person, with a strong and deep disembodied voice. He kind of seems like Amy Kunz’s dad. But he’s not my dad. In fact, the girl isn’t even me, so I guess that means I can’t ever picture myself being close to dad, or ever even wanting to. Although every once in a while we have brief flashes of closeness, which make me feel warm, but I usually either leave or make a joke because I can’t bear the mood.
I slept in this morning. I was going to…oh yeah. Clean my room. But I lost my ambition. Hopefully I’ll have ambition tomorrow. My room could use a little ambition.