So, what’s new? I don’t know. Austin’s camping this weekend so I won’t see him ’til Tuesday. 
I’ve generally felt OK - but I’ve been fairly sad since last night. I keep dwelling on ONE thing he said and I can’t wait to ask him what he meant. It’s bugging me and it will keep bugging me until I get it off my chest. Oh, I had an awesome make-out dream about him last night. I dreamt we were married. I was wearing a black skirt. We were having fun. 
Oh, I miss him! I miss his face. His bee-yoo-tee-ful face! It’s raining.
Today I went to see Wayne at his office with Jill and Alyssa. He was talking on the phone and I was sitting on the floor next to him and he put his hand on my back, rubbed it, scratched it, played with my hair, and just let his hand rest on me. It was being touched by my mom except stronger and more “manly”. I felt extremely warm and fuzzy, but the feeling kept intensifying until I was so emotional I almost started crying! Then he tickled my nose and stopped and I had to break my intense feelings by saying something really light, so I thanked him for the backrub. What an interesting experience. It was like, at first it just felt good, but I kept feeling needier and needier, and I was really bummed when he let go. -I almost felt desperate.
I was snowboarding with Austin when he fell and hit his head, knocking him unconscious. Next, we were at a doctor’s office, and he told him that he had a concussion and should stick to a liquid diet for a couple of days until he could keep his food down. He immediately began whining, “That’s not fair because I’m hungry!” So I drove him home and he started playing video games, and he started whining about being hungry again. So I offered him apple juice and he whined, “I don’t want any apple juice!” So I offered him carrot juice and he whined, “I don’t want any carrot juice!” So I offered him orange juice and his face lit up and he said, “Sure!” So I poured him a huge glass of orange juice and left for work, promising to be by later to check up on him. When I did, he, Alyssa, and Summer had totally cleaned the house, making it spotless, and had made thise Eastern Indian costumes, and had put up all these draperies and were dressed in beautiful robes of purple, fuchsia, and green, trimmed with gold, and were wearing tons of gold jewelry. And they were all bored. Immediately I began chewing them out, saying that they were all so talented and completely took for granted their relationships and their talent and that I would give anything to be more like them.
Later, Cindy was taking vitamins, and had two handfuls of them, popping them in her mouth and spilling them all over the counter while laughing and saying, “I don’t remember which one’s I’ve taken and which ones I haven’t!”
Things have been much better. Yesterday I was really depressed, but today I felt pretty good. I’ve been praying all the time, which is really neat. It’s funny, though; I tend to pray more when I’m at work than I do when I’m out in service. Probably because there’s much less chance of being alone when I’m in service. But I really need to rely on Jehovah during that time. I need to work on it.
Tomorrow’s Sara’s Star Wars party. I’m really looking forward to it.
Wayne’s really being a butt. Austin’s really discouraged right now. 
Makes me mad!
Humph! If only I’d stick to something after I’d say it then maybe I’d get somewhere.
This time it’ll be different. I am NEVER going to give into my evil feelings again! Never! I can’t guarantee that I’ll never be faced with these temptations again, but I’ll NEVER give in if I have a relapse. And I can’t resist of my own will. It has to be Jehovah’s will - Jehovah’s guidance that saves me.
I saw Bar Girls last night. Stupid movie. I told Austin today.
It kills him. I hurt him. I damage his self-esteem. He was really mad for a while, but so loving and supportive. And he even gave me a little kiss on the lips. It was special. It was a treat. I needed it.
I don’t know what else to say. I prayed all evening long, finally centering on the request that Jehovah and my relationship be as good as Jehovah and Austin’s. They are so close. It’s so beautiful. I just cried and cried and cried all evening. I listened to Enya - my soul music - and had a gin & tonic. I should have had some mood mender tea. It has St. John’s Wort in it.
Austin gave me all sorts of excellent council. I’m trying really hard not to be totally disgusted with myself and full of self-hatred. Jehovah’s so merciful. So is Austin.
It’s so neat that my spiritual strengths lie where Austin’s weaknesses lie, and vice-versa. He’s so good to me. Too good to me. I don’t deserve him. But, frankly, I don’t deserve anything, but everything is a gift from Jehovah. Especially Austin.
Ugh, I’m getting over a migraine.
But today I had an awesome revelation. It was when, on my lunch hour, I was reading an article in the Awake! called something like “You Are Worthy in God’s Eyes” or “Dealing with Feelings of Worthlessness”. Which I’ve had a problem with lately, due to my own fault. I have been giving in to homosexual thoughts and letting Austin down lately, and when I told him I felt like I had totally broken his heart. But it seemed like nothing gave me enough incentive to change. The only time I wanted to change was after the fact and I was feeling guilty and worthless and evil. But when the feelings would come up again I’d enjoy them so much that I’d avoid praying for help. It began to feel like an addiction, seriously. Actually, I do believe that it is. I was with Bob at one of his calls, who is a recovered alcoholic, and he described the nature of an addiction - ANY addiction, and it hit really close to home. He said the first step you have to take is realizing that you can’t quit on YOUR WILL because YOUR WILL is to take another drink, or whatever the case may be. Bit it’s only God’s will that can give you the strength. I agreed with that, but I need to learn to put Jehovah’s will ahead of my own, or bring my will into accordance with his. Which isn’t easy for me, but if I’d only do more studying, I’m sure it would be easier.
But here’s the revelation. That article was discussing the scripture that said we are worth more than the little sparrows, and went into detail as to the meaning of that. And suddenly I was overcome by the same warm feeling I get when Wayne gives me a tender hug or kisses my cheek or sends me a loving email. Then it all came together. That’s how a father shows love to his daughter! That’s how a daughter feels loved by her father! That tenderness and warmth Wayne shows me is an echo or an intimation of how Jehovah feels about me! I was so blown away that I started crying like a baby. That’s how a healthy father-daughter relationship should be, and that’s how my relationship with Jehovah should be. I actually have a reference point now! I thought I understood before, but I really didn’t. It never occured to me that the fact that I’ve never been close to my dad has made it so difficult for me to feel close to and rely on Jehovah. It was only when Austin pointed it out to me that I began to even consider it. But I never fully grasped it, never realized what it was I was missing until now. I am so blown away. I expect this will change everything. At least, I hope it will make everything easier.
I am so happy! Austin really enjoyed the Special Assembly Day today! He’s never enjoyed an assembly or convention before! And he was on the program, and he did SO GOOD. I wanted to take him home and REWARD him for all his hard work!
I’m feeling so tranquil and peaceful. I love my life. I love my friends. I love the Earl’s. I love my Tam. I love Robert. I love Tam’s fam. I love Lyndamott. I love being an affectionate person. I love my family. Alyssa got baptised today! And so did Tyler. I love Amber Daley too. If I could spell her name. She’s so cute. I can’t wait until she gets to know us better so she’ll feel more sure of herself in our company. I love Matthew too. I’m so happy Austin’s got a decent friend.
