I dreamed I was at work this morning, hoping that Wayne would call and ask me to lunch. But he never called, and I wondered where he was. So on my lunch hour I drove to Reel Foods, hoping to see him, but of course he wasn’t there. As I stood outside I saw Cindy’s van, and Cindy and Lacey walking into Home Depot. I called out but they didn’t hear me.
Another wonderful day! Yesterday I felt a little crummy, but Wayne felt awful, so I was able to help him and I felt happy again. He’s such a wonderfully deep person. It feels so good to be able to help him. And he said he feels like soon he’ll be emotionally strong enough to help his wife!! Finally then, the feelings came to me - of feeling so special and blessed by Jehovah to be used in such a fashion.
You know, I really don’t think I’m good at the ministry. But I think my most important “bodily” (congregational) function is to heal from within.
Anyway. It was so SAD to see (hear) Wayne so distraught last night. He almost started crying. I could identify it in his voice. It tightened up and changed to a halting whisper, which is the same thing that happens to me when I’m talking and trying not to cry. I just really wished I could have let him cry on my shoulder. But I talked to him and gave him lots of assurances and reassurances, and by the end, he was feeling wonderfully happy!
Anyway, I got away from a previous point. No, nevermind. I already said it. Well, after he felt happy we talked a lot about Austin. I told him about my initial feelings for him, and later he was lamenting that he felt bad we didn’t seem to feel comfortable talking to him and telling him about when we’re not doing so good. And we also talked about how love grows with time, and especially with Austin - if he thinks he loves me NOW, just wait until he’s an adult. He’ll look back and his old feelings will pale in comparison to his current ones. And I told him how I’ve noticed lately that Austin’s love for me has really grown - evidenced by the fact that he’s now taking the initiative in the “not touching” area - his primary reason being his concern for my reputation. What a wonderful feeling! I told Wayne how warm and secure and taken-care-of that made me feel, and he said he was overflowing with fatherly pride.
Tonight we had them all over for Orange Crush floats. They were so good! Austin got his hair cut. He looks drop-dead gorgeous. As if he didn’t before. 
SIGH!
Well, I’m getting to bed at a little bit of a decenter hour tonight! : )
Last night I felt pretty crummy and couldn’t figure out why. And most of today. -BUT- Well, you see, last night I stopped by to visit Wayne and ended up staying for six hours or so while he talked about his feelings and tried to express how happy he was that I was part of his life. He kept telling me, “You should feel really happy” or “You should feel really blessed by Jehovah” and for some reason I didn’t. And at the end of the evening I felt irritated and like I had wasted a bunch of time. And felt awful for feeling that way. Why on Earth would I feel that way?! I mean, my seemingly UNATTAINABLE goal of breaking down The Walls of Wayne is finally being realized, and he’s loving me and telling me how important I am, but I just felt negative. Ugh. Anyway! I decided that it must have been - after prayerful consideration - the fact that I haven’t been doing my personal study lately, and I need to “replenish my supplies” and “feed my soul” before trying to give emotionally to others. So that was my problem.
Well, he wanted me to go over there again tonight because I was feeling negative and he wanted to make me feel good. And it was so wonderful. SO wonderful. I didn’t do much - just sat around while he did stuff, and he was super-affectionate and played with my hair and rubbed that wonderful spot between my shoulder blades - for long periods of time. I was JUST basking and reveling. I somehow had felt so empty inside, and slowly I felt myself being filled up. It was so wonderful. And suddenly I realized that I finally for the first time feel like a true DAUGHTER to him. I’ve thought of him as a dad for quite some time, but never really felt daughterly toward him. And I told him that and said it was funny because he has felt like a dad to me for quite some time, but could tell that I didn’t really feel like a daughter. It was kind of a breakthrough. I feel completely comfortable and relaxed around him, and completely myself. It’s so nice. It’s so relaxing. And I have a feeling that it’s going to help me figure out my relationship with my dad. If not figure out, then improve, definitely. This evening I felt healthy, emotionally. I felt really needy and I just drank it in, drank it in. Absorbed all those fatherly things.
Wonderful, wonderful, happy me! :*)
I forgot one other interesting thing. Austin called today and said he’s been thinking about letting me down, and the way we act when we’re together. And how it relates to magazines. And what I REALLY appreciated about what he said was that he didn’t tell me what to do. He just told me what HE was going to do, and left the rest up to me. But he said that magazines, like Cosmo and the like, are worldly, promote a worldly spirit, give him and I the desire to “keep on looking”, therefore sinning in our hearts, and showcase women’s breasts. And give us ideas about sex or masturbation that turn us on and cause us to let each other down. So he’s going to stop getting magazines. And, therefore, so am I. I’m going to go through my magazine binders and rip out the pages I just saved because the girls turned me on. That’s going to be tough, but with Jehovah’s help, I can do it.
Hang on. I need to change the water.
I’m back. That was a fun ordeal! I love their cat.
Eddywayz. I felt kind of depressed this morning and the only reason I could think of was that I saw the Austin Powers sequel last night. There were too many pretty girls wearing immodest clothing, and it made me want to draw. 
It really distressed me. I had lunch with Wayne again today. I didn’t tell him that was the reason I felt so negative.
Do you know what’s really irritating that I just realized?? When I prayed to feel better today at work, I didn’t talk about that movie or how it affected me. No wonder I didn’t feel better. Again, how irritating.
He talked to me about talking to Austin. He didn’t tell me what to do or even give me advice; he just wanted me to be careful and be balanced in what to tell him - to be careful not to overload him. I agreed with that, although I didn’t know what he was getting at at first and felt defensive.
Wayne made me feel really good today. He told me I had no idea - I really could never know what an impact I’ve made on his life. He says that my influence has caused him to be more patient, gentle, affectionate, and caring with his family, and that helping him to open up emotionally has really helped him so much. He sounds like he’s genuinely HAPPY. I’ve never heard him sound genuinely happy. He said that for the first time he was able to listen to a constructive talk without beating himself up, and that I’ve helped him to see where his priorites lay. He seems to feel really free and able to be more emotionally open with others, which is good for anybody. In fact, he opened his arms wide and said, “I feel so healthy!” HEALTHY! Wayne emotionally healthy! How marvelous! What an understatement!
He said - and Austin briefly mentioned it earlier - that they had the most wonderful talk. Wayne said it started out really negative, but he decided to change that around by saying that he’ll shut up now, and asked Austin to talk. WOW!!!!! Oh, I’m so happy I’m bawling. Well, he said that Austin talked for a really long time, and sobbed a little bit, and really got to open up. The fact that Austin finally got to open up and tell his dad how he felt to the point where he started sobbing makes me full of wonderful, powerful emotions. It feels horribly sad and wonderously happy and joyful all at the same time. Wow. I can’t wait to talk to Austin about it tomorrow.
Wayne said that he still has a lot he wants to tell me, but he wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to smother me. I told him he’s never made me feel smothered. But when I went back to work I started thinking, and prayed for help to make the right decision. I get concerned because I never want to feel closer to Wayne than I do to Austin. Well, I really listened to my gut instincts - really listened, for the first time, and they felt negative. I realized that I had too much going on right now emotionally to really be able to successfully handle much more. Not only with the Saturday discussion I had with him, but also the book I’m reading on masochism. The book connects masochism with inability to assert oneself - or inaffectively asserting oneself, and trusting one’s own instincts. So I trusted my instincts and asserted myself by telling Wayne to hold off on the personal discussion, and it made me feel so GREAT about myself! It feels so good to be - uh - good!
That book is SO INTERESTING. It says I’m severely masochistic and should consider getting help. 
It actually relates to so many things I was unaware of. Not asserting myself effectively. Always thinking I’m wrong and others are right. That probably also relates to why, in certain situations, I’m “always right”, because that’s a safe, if ineffective are to assert myself in. And I ignore my own instincts in favor of what others tell me to be true. Interestingly, it also relates to my crying when Austin gets upset with me. I had told him before that when I cry I feel manipulative. Well, in a sense, I am being manipulative, subconscously. Here’s an exerpt:
Crying is another meta message the masochistic person transmits. Because masochists do not dare to be angry, they convert their anger into hurt. And when they are hurt, they frequently call upon tears as a way of getting themselves off the hook and warding off further harm. This is not a conscious choice, of course. Their crying is an unconscious mechanism that says: I’m pitiful, look at me cry, you must feel sorry for me, and if you feel sorry for me you won’t hurt me anymore. The masochist’s tears are no more effective an appeasement than any of the others I’ve mentioned. By evoking pity, the masochistic person seeks to evade harm. What her tears produce in reality are just more pain and suffering.
Interesting, isn’t it? This bears further analysis.
I just figured out how to play Lillian’s Nintendo! So I’ve been playing.
I had a wonderful day with Austin. He started getting affectionate, which was turning me on, so I asked him to stop or he’ll regret it! So he thought for a minute and suddenly felt really bad and said he’s been thinking about the way we act, especially when we’re out in service, and he wants to make sure my spirituality stays intact. So he said he’s going to try a lot harder not to touch me, so I’ll have to help him by not touching him. He said he’s been feeling really bad when he’s thought about that lately. And he kept apologizing. I just love him so much. He’s got so many admirable qualities. He apologized, also, for getting so worked up and so defensive on Tuesday, which was sweet.
CHI CHI CA GIO
Sorry! Sidetracked!
I wish Jill didn’t irritate me so much. She’s nice and sweet but she’s so irritating. I was just thinking about that because she said she’s going out tomorrow. Although, she usually doesn’t go out when she says she is. And she usually shows up by surprise.
I’ve been doing so much better at my prayers. They’ve been a lot more frequent and meaningful.
I’m getting sleepy. I’d better read my Bible and go to bed.
I’m feeling MUCH better today! Sweet Wayne took me to lunch at Cazbah. It was a good thing, too, because I was REALLY stressed. But he helped me a lot by telling me some of the things Austin said last night. Wayne talked to him about the seriousness of purchasing an automobile, which is a relief to me, because it stressed me so much that Austin was taking it so lightly. But Wayne told me that he’s confident that Austin will come to the right decision, which really helped me to become confident too.
He also talked to me about the fact that Austin doesn’t want me and Wayne to talk about him anymore. He said that he assured Austin that we weren’t “ganging up” on him and that we weren’t conspiring against him and we weren’t influencing each other to feel the same way against him. I think Austin understood, and Wayne told me that I still need someone to talk to to ask for advice, as long as I was careful not to divulge personal information or, as I said, lay bare the faults of a mate. And he said a good example for me to follow is Austin’s. He said that Austin’s talked to him before about how to deal with me, which I have NO problem with, but has never even HINTED to him about my “lesbian” problem. He just cautioned me to be really careful when I ask anyone for advice, not to divulge too much or any personal information and to always keep the dignity of Austin in mind. That all made perfect sense to me. And it’s not like I have TONS of problems with Austin that I need help with. I should probably talk to Wayne a lot less about disagreements Austin and I have. In fact, today, I was tempted to vent a little bit about the frivolous way he was dealing with the car thing, but I stopped myself mid-sentence at the outset and said I shouldn’t say anymore, and Wayne cracked up. I did the right thing!
It was in the future, and Austin and I were officially dating, almost engaged. We were at a nice restaurant with the rest of the congregation. It was dark, and the room was only lit by candles, which reflected beautifully off the rich, dark wood.
The atmosphere was joyful, and everyone was there because of some really exciting news/announcements. We were going to have it announced that Austin and I were near engagement, so we were especially excited. Finally Jack Sorg stood up and began the announcements by talking about how long Austin and I have loved each other, and he made a very kind, tender speech. I was holding Austin’s hand in both of my own, and I was so happy I was glowing. I looked over at him and his face was lined with tears of happiness. I smiled at him and squeezed his hand, and Jack completed his announcement.
Afterward, everyone approached us to congratulate us - everyone was really happy for us, and Melissa and Melinda were telling us how they always thought there was something between us.
AAAAAUGH! I’m so stressed! And emotionally exhausted.
I don’t really feel like going into everything now, but Austin might be buying a car, which has me totally stressed because he’s borrowing money ($4,000) from his grandma, and because his view of buying cars is so much different than mine. To me, they’re a major life investment, an important decision to make, and to him, it’s about as major as buying a CD. So now I’m all freaked out and worried that he’s going to be like Mark and Melinda and never be content with the car he has and will want to be constantly buying and selling and trading. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not for me. If he’s like that, he needs to know that it’s going to take a toll on me emotionally and that I’ll end up being a wreck all the time. It’s nothing against him, but I can’t live that kind of lifestyle. Nothing would ever feel settled or finished to me; everything would seem like it was up in the air all the time. I need stability in my life.
I’m also upset because I won’t be able to talk to him until Thursday or Friday and tell him how I feel.
I’m also fighting feelings of feeling alone, because Austin talked to me about talking about him to his dad, and he doesn’t want me to do that anymore. Which I TOTALLY agree with and understand. But all of a sudden I’m feeling upset like I’m never going to be able to vent my Austin frustrations out to anyone anymore. -SO- I’ll have to try harder to rely on Jehovah, and to remember that I’m NEVER alone. And I’ll have to use my journal more too.
Oh, it feels so good to get all this down in writing. I was bawling my brains out all evening, especially over the car thing. And I didn’t even mention to Austin that Wayne wants to get together with me and ask me questions about my feelings for women. I was so afraid he’d get upset that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Even though I’m totally stressed out, it’s pleasant to remember how Austin was when he was mad at me. It really hurt me but I enjoyed it in my usual sick way. : )
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