STAR CHART

This evening I saw Star Wars and went to Smoky Mtn. Pizza with Wayne, Aussin, Alyssa, and Jill. Jill got adopted today! Her name’s Allegra Bethany Earl now. Alegra. Allegra. OK, anyway!

Austin, Wayne, and I got together this evening, had dinner, and talked. Wayne talked about how much he really wanted to be a part of our lives - someone we can always feel comfortable to turn to for help. It was such a nice conversation. Austin and I talked about … I forgot. Oh! We got the chance to tell him about how we used to talk about sex all the time, but kind of grew out of it because it was a meaningless, empty pursuit - I compared it to starving for dinner so you go to the fair and fill up on cotton candy. He’s really appreciated us telling him that, and said it made him feel really good to know how mature our relationship is - especially since we’ve done most of the changing and decision-making ourselves.

I had a near-panic attack today. I was talking to Austin on the phone and I told him all about the break-through conversation I had with Wayne on Saturday. Finally I was done telling him and was saying good bye and I said “I love you.” And he said “I know you do.” My emotional state was so vulnerable and delicate that I really needed him not to tease or anything and to say he loved me too. So I waited, then kind of laughed and said, “Please say you love me.” And he sighed deeply. My mind was racing - was he mad at me for asking him that and actually worrying because he didn’t say it? Was he suddenly upset with me about something to the point that he just didn’t feel capable of saying it? Was he just teasing me, thinking it was funny, when in reality it was a cruel psychological joke? I kept saying, “Austin? Austin?? Talk to me! Say something, please!” only to be met with silence. Suddenly I was brought back to the dream I had when I was sixteen about the girl Melissa who had been abused her whole life, then finally trusting that guy Rick, and when she bared her soul to him, his eyes changed to wicked eyes, and he raped her. I’ve never doubted Austin’s love for me, but for some reason, because of the vulnerable childish state of my heart, I suddenly wondered if he still did. My whole world and universe turned upside-down in those few seconds, and panic consumed me, and my eyes rolled back in my head and I felt like I was about to drown; I even looked up and reached for the ceiling, and sobbed out, “Austin, I’m about to panic, you have to say something!!” And tears streamed down my face and I was out of breath and crying like a baby. And he was like, “CALM DOWN! I can’t say anything because Dad’s sitting here staring at me!” I was like, “Thank God!!” I told him I’d be OK and got off the phone.

But I WASN’T OK!! I was practically incapacitated for about 45 minutes. I laid there on the couch wondering how I would react if Austin died. I was picturing his memorial service and his funeral, and if it were open-casket. I was picturing myself collapsed, sobbing next to his coffin, picturing his little body in there, wrenching me apart.

Finally I went to Jake’s little reception-thingie, but Austin couldn’t make it. As I knew. I was extremely depressed and high-strung all day. I never really recovered until Wayne came by with some gouda cheese as a “peace offering” and I was able to tell him the whole story and cry on him.