ME
Some kinds of leaves
Some ways to die
Some falling ways
To scatter myself across your path
How does life look like death?
Must I cover the ground with my hands
Do I chase the wind to my door
Do you see me
Gently float to the earth
Do you see me hold this child named Me
Can you watch
The leaves cover this abandoned thing
Don’t resist this little Me
How it would be nice
To see you
Hold her in your arms
To cuddle and nurse her
But she only has Me.
Hallo. I’m SICK. I don’t feel good. Gwurr. I’m staying home from service tomorrow. I’m looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing, but I’m not looking forward to the inevitable conversation with Austin. This is a good chance for him to prove he’s getting better. He’ll either be really sweet and supportive, or he’ll try to make me feel guilty. If he does that, I’ll have to try not to explode in his face.
I can see it all now. But I don’t want to. Friday or maybe last Tuesday - that was when it was - I told him I was getting sick and I didn’t feel good, and he was like, well I’m sick too. I was like, thanks a lot. But too timid to say so. He wants me to speak up and whine and complain more so he can take care of me, and what does he do?! He only thinks about himself lately! Tomorrow, or the next time I talk to him, he’s going to look at me with that sullen, unsmiling face and mutter, “I miss you.” Not just the sweet words ‘I miss you’, but they’ll carry this accusatory tone that says, “How could you stay home and take care of yourself when I’m out here all raw and needy and you’re not taking care of me! Me, me, me!!” I am so sick of his selfishness!
But I shouldn’t get upset (yet). Maybe he’s already learned from his mistakes and will be an angel tomorrow. I doubt it though. I’m so tired of dealing with him. I’m really glad to be away from him tomorrow. He’ll call, though, or he’ll come by. He’ll wake me up, dammit, why CAN’T HE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!!
I can’t believe the whole situation. I’d never thought of him as abusive until Wayne pointed it out to me. Wah. Why did I end up with an abusive guy?? I never pictured that happening. I’m learning that both my parents were passively abusive, so why would I end up with someone who was actively abusive? Why do my pens keep running out?
I can hardly stand dealing with it anymore. It’s such an emotional undertow. It makes me feel miserable and hopeless and trapped. It stinks. He wants me to talk to him more, but how can I tell him all the things that are on my mind? It will just make everything WORSE. Hell. And the worst part is, when Wayne tries to stick up for me and help me stand up for my needs, Austin gets angrier and angrier and continues taking it out on me worse and worse. Making me feel like shit and wondering why I’m not there to coddle him and baby him. While I’m hiding behind Wayne trying to nurse my stab wounds. And he gets all mad at me anyway. Do I need to TELL him how much he hurts me?!
One thing I’m glad of is that NEVERMIND. I’m feeling too negative
Good night.
So. It’s been a while. I stopped working in my creative journal and I haven’t been writing in my regular journal. That’s sad.
Tammy just had her baby Austin yesterday! Yay! I’m an auntie.
Ugh. I feel really crappy and I don’t know why. I just came back from Le Grande. I felt crappy ever since Wayne was in a bad mood last night. I don’t know what exactly happened, but he was REALLY pissed at Cheryl Ward. I think she probably made some stupid comment about me and Wayne. I’ll probably find out what happened tomorrow.
Also I feel bad because Austin accidentally got drunk over the weekend. Poor baby. He described what happened and it JUST sounds HORRENDOUS. I wish I would have been there. If not to notice he was drinking alcohol before he got too drunk, but to help him while he was sick and put him to bed. It just sounds so deplorably depressing. The next 2wo days around him were strange. I can’t describe theme. I can’t write or spell, either. I wasn’t as jealous around him and Lorenda as I thought I’d be, which is good, and I got to dance with Austin, which was soooo nice. Ahhh! So nice and soothing - I was really happy when Austin told his dad about getting drunk. I told him I was really proud of him.
I’m really tired today. I just started my period last night, right when I was about to go swimming. I had so much fun staying an extra night in Le Grande with the Earl’s!! I attacked and wrestled with all the girls. I’m wearing Alyssa’s clothes. They’re cute on me.
Well, I don’t feel so bad anymore. I’m just really cranky and don’t feel like being around anybody. Except for Wayne. I’d like to know what was so horrible that happened last night. I hated seeing him in such an angry mood. It was scary. 
It was sad. I didn’t know what was wrong so I went and stood next to him and leaned against him, but he moved away and stood somewhere else. I almost started crying right away. Now I think I’ve figured everything out, but I didn’t understand then. I thought maybe I had gotten too physical with Austin or something and it was bothering him, but it didn’t seem to make much sense. Wayne’s going to be worried about me tonight because it’s the day after a full moon. I’m wrestling with a desire to read about a bad movie on the movie site. NO!! I can’t do that to Wayne. He’ll be praying for me fervently. I’m also fighting with the twisted logic that’s telling me that I can read that, and as long as I don’t do anything else, then Wayne will still be proud of me. Which will be true, but do I have to see how close I get to the fire before I get burnt?
I want to read about co-dependency. Now. Ha ha! I didn’t mean to write it like that! I’m starving. I need to eat something.
CLOSED FOR REMODEL
Ancient New Friends
Sat alone in a crowd
Sat alone together
Hearts as heavy as the clouds
Outside;
Afraid to look,
They avoid those eyes
Those eyes glazed with naked pain
They sit and touch
And smile
Clumsily comfort
And wonder
What will happen?
They form two universes
Two lifetimes sitting across
Touching hands, vastly apart
They can only wonder
Why it’s so cold.
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