STAR CHART

I dunno what to do or what’s wrong. I feel so depressed

Like a little baby : )

This one answering machine of a BANKER I heard at work:

Well, Spencer’s marrying Kim. They’ve known each other for a week. I don’t know who they are. I’m just relating what I’m hearing that girl says to Spencer on her cell phone. I’m in the laundromat. She just thinks it’s funny. I think it’s utterly pathetic! They met last Thursday. They went to a movie together and have spent every night together this week.

I’m going to finish my personal study now! She was disrupting me.

Heh. They’re playing Fame, and I’m listening to it. Heh.

Man, I can’t BELIEVE how well I’m doing this morning!! I threw away my drawings this morning without even looking at them. Just thinking about them hiding out under my bed made me sick. :p And I haven’t fantasized at all today, but I’m wearing a rubber band just in case. I’ve been praying about it a lot, too.

There’s no meeting tonight because of the circuit assembly this weekend. : ) I’m going to go to the library, eat (of course), study my lesson, go to the laundromat, clean my disaster kitchen (the mess hall!), and watch the end of the world series. I almost said world serious!! Yankees are ahead, 3hree games to 1ne.

WAYNE SAID HE COULD HOOK ME UP TO THE INTERNET!!! AAA!! YAY!

They’re playing NIN. I saw Jeff Brauer today. He didn’t see me. YESTERDAY? He walked by my cubicle and was looking as if to see who was walking by, and so we said hi. : )

I decided I also am grossed out by Tracy Cope’s appearance because his body shape and language reminds me of Randy Abel’s. When I used to like him. I just can’t believe I used to like him. It’s hard to believe, sometimes, that the same person who wrote that is writing this. :\ Hmm!

Man, I am miserable. I have a BAD cold. I just got some Day Quil @ Albertson’s so I can make it through the rest of the day. I am so miserable! I’ve been blowing my nose and sneezing CONSTANTLY all morning! Pretty difficult to function. The only time I feel OK is when I stuff kleenexes up my nose, but I can’t really walk around like that. I’m sitting like that right now. I hope the Day Quil kicks in soon. Then I can go home and make dinner and write my talk and go to bed.

Well I’m going to put something on my lips.

Wow. What a day it’s been. I mean, what a night.

Hey, I got asked out at work today. Thru Teresa. Hee. Made me feel good. But when I said it was because I just got out of a really bad relationship and was still on the mend, it totally revived a lot of buried Austin feelings. I could barely function for the rest of the afternoon. Then I got home and found an invitation to THEIR shower. I was so upset. It’s for THEM. I can’t buy something for Lyndsay. Austin’s going to be there. He’s going to receive my gift. I don’t know what to do. I want to buy her something, but NOT HIM. He deserves CRAP.

So I worked on an anger letter to Austin. I did a pretty good job exploding. Pretty good job ignoring him at the meeting. Just walked away when he came up. Cindy was there. Seeing the hate for Meia* in her eyes makes me hate myself.

After meeting I fell apart. I was driving and listening to music and covering my face in my hands and pulling my hair out. It took a long time before I was able to cry, though.

I finally got here and ate some more, watched part of a Voyager episode, got upset over an overdraft charge, and let it all out. I prayed to Jehovah and laid on my bed and sobbed hysterically. I reached my hands up so I could hold his hand and begged him to have pity for his slave girl. I don’t even feel THAT worthy. After a while I got up and did the dishes. : ) I was really proud of myself for that. Now I’m reading the Bible and my book and going to bed. My head felt like it was about to split open so I put the cold pack on it. : )

Needless to say, I feel tons better. I think I’m going to live. Nite.

TRIBUNE

Winter kills
Autumn cries
Seasons choke my throat
And water my eyes

Time to fall
Time to fall
Time to tip and spill
My guts in the streets

I’m dying
I’m flying
I’m saved from the cruel weapon
But I still feel it slashing
I see it rending the air
Before my eyes

I have fallen
I am pushed through the cracks
I am asphalt
I have split the earth
See how I have torn the metal
See how I have twisted these cars
And the people inside them

It’s so sad; they were good people
But I was in their way
And they’re gone, their bodies
A shredded mockery of their existance.

Time for a change
Time to make a difference…
But there is no one to help me up.

The One by Elton John…wow. It really fits us. <3 I'm just sitting here listening to it.

I’m doing better today. I felt like dressing up this morning. I did my hair up in butterflies and am wearing my extra-cool long purplish jacket. I just bought purple eyeshadow and put it on. My fingers are greasy. Yuck. Welllll…I guess I should get going. Oh well. I need to figure out a date for my housewarming party. I’d like to have it soon. I’d like to use a mixer sometime! I wish I could take this with me and write all day. I really feel like writing.

TRANSISTOR

Here I am
A little lost
Not entirely alone
Determined to be lonely
I can’t pray
I can, I just did
He listened to me even though I wasn’t right
So I refuse to be helped
It sounds like I refuse to care
But I care
Too much
I need your space
I can’t stand your impaled expression
I have to ignore you
I need to stay away
I need you
I need you here with me
And it can’t happen
So I need you and I miss you
And when I see you or talk to you
You kill me over and over
So stay away from me
I’d rather die alone
Under the house
Away from those searching for me
Rotting alone where no one will find me
Until I start to smell
But I know I won’t die;
I can pick myself up out of the dirt
And clean myself off,
Can’t I?
And regain his favor,
But only if you stay away
And stop grabbing me
Dragging me down
To lay beside you in the dirt.
This is not my idea of love.