STAR CHART

May I have a little suicide?
Just a little would be enough for me.
I’ve seen enough of life to take some time off for a while
I have no need to permanently erase my existance.
I have enough throbbing pain in my heart to deaden it for some time
But I want it to be alive for the joy which I’m aware awaits me.
There is enough black rain sliding down the insides of my soul
To bury me under the dry ground for a while
As long as the sun will peel the earth away when I’ve dried out
And let me arise and wash myself in pure spring dew
When I know how to be intoxicated by the new flowers.
There is plenty of bile that’s risen in my throat to choke me
And as my body is wracked with spasms and it pours my insides out,
I can imagine myself rested on my bed, the fluffy whiteness cuddled around me
My body calm, my knotted ropes loose and untangled,
Lightly covering the mattress, warm and secure beneath the thick blankets.
I dream of knowing a time when every night will be serene
And I will love the mornings
And I will not cry in the dark
And there will be a hand on my forehead, and another pressing the center of my back
And entire sheets of skin brushed together
Soft and beautiful, warm and tender, and I will rest
And I will be an enchanted princess who is awakened from death with true love’s kiss
Every morning.

I just read Ezekiel 25:8-12. It was talking about Israel. Jehovah was comparing Israel to incestuous people. It kept talking about how much they’ve forgotten anybody. Whoops. I was thinking about something else and writing at the same time. How they forgot Jehovah. How sad.

I just watched Labyrinth! Yay! I didn’t go to the meeting. I can’t wait ’til 5ive o’clock tomorrow. ^_^ I can go home and REST. YAY. I should rent a movie. What should I watch? I wonder if you can rent Powerpuff Girls episodes. I guess I’ll see what I’m in the mood for tomorrow. La de da.

I just read Ezekiel 22:1-7. It’s more denunciations against Israel. It talks about them being bloodguilty and how they have their dungy idols and he will make sure that all the other nations will jeer at them and make fun of them. That’s cool. I like the revenge in that. I’ll bet Jehovah doesn’t. I’ll bet it totally grieved him. Like Wayne threatening to kick Jill out. Not a proud, happy, vengeful thing for him. Certainly a last resort. COOL! I’m meditating!!!

I have been totally hiding from my feelings today. Lately. Today. Pat talked to me about my hours. I felt…totally numb. I have no idea how I felt. It was scary. Ugh. I hate drawing so much attention to myself. Not only am I a cause for concern to Mark and Michael, but now the other elders are starting to worry about me, too. I complain about no one paying attention to me but the attention I’m attracting is the wrong kind. Do I have to view it that way? Can’t I understand that Jehovah just wants to help? I feel like I totally rebuffed Pat. I felt guilty afterwards. I don’t know how he felt but he seemed like he was still worried, a little hurt? but quietly respecting my privacy. I have a feeling I have not heard the last of it. But maybe I will be able to start proving myself starting January. Ugh. I feel like such a sore spot.

I feel like I’m getting sick. My throat is really dry and scratchy. I think I got it from Brad. I just ate a Ricola.

I have a new book to start tonight! The 3hird Otherland novel! The 3hird and final! Yay!!

Now, that’s not fair! They weren’t dry yet, so I have to wait 12 more minutes! Then I’m folding them ang GOING, because I don’t really care.

My hand is too cramped to keep writing. So I will stop, then!! : )

Oh man. I just put my clothes in the dryer and they’ll be done in 45 minutes. Oh, it will be three-thirty. That’s not bad. I was thinking it would be four-thirty. I am so starving! Wayne said he’d let me have a bite of his Mexican food. Just what I need. Beans. Just what I want!!

“Oh man, look at those cavemen go!”

Forty minutes. That’s not bad. Good. The sun went away.

This really cute, cheerful, outgoing girl came in here after Kevyn Aucoin left. She comes in, looking at me and beaming smiles, and exclaims, “Well, isn’t it a GREAT day to do laundry!!” I laughed at her. She said it was her first time here and she was all asking me how to work the machines and stuff. It was nice. : ) I like her. She seems fun. Right now she’s sitting over there reading the newspaper. She seems to be about my age, and she is blonde. HEY!!! She reminds me of Siayen Jember!! Cool!

You know, I never think about Tamsin Black these days. I’ll bet when the Captain found out what she did, she was stripped of rank. Well, maybe not stripped, but certainly demoded. She was a lieutenant. I’ll bet she’s Ensign Black now. Huh. Poor Harry. When will they promote HIM?

And then there’s poor Crewman Suder. Ahhh. *tingle* But then, Tamsin DID help save the ship. I’ll bet she was still demoded. After all, they DID demode Captain Kirk from Admiral. But then, that was more of a reward than a punishment. Well, Janeway can get pretty straight-laced. And since it was still early-on in their voyages, she probably felt the need somewhat to make an example of her. Especially since she was Starfleet instead of Maquis. “See how I don’t favor my crew over yours?” type-thing. Oh man. Poor Tamsin. Can you imagine having to explain to Tuvok WHY she snuck into Suder’s quarters?? “Uh– I wanted to have sex with him, Sir.” *laughing*

Now the Siayen girl is reading a book. From the side, her lips remind me of Tess’. Or Latitia Casta’s. Well, Tess always reminded me of Latitia Casta anyway.

On drones the dryer. I’m the only virgin in this room. There are other ladies in here too, and a guy just walked in. They’re out of root beer. I can’t picture that one lady having sex. She didn’t even smile at me when I smiled at her. Maybe she’s been raped.

The other lady I can picture having sex. She’s really cute. She looks like she’s in her late 3hirties. She has round eyes, small lips, and a round face. She looks like a little girl. Her hair is shoulder length and cut in very stylish layers. She looks like Naomi Wildman’s mom!! She’s wearing a bright soft cornflower blue pullover jacket and tight black pants. Like Alyssa’s. She has really nice curves. She seems like she’d be fun in bed. –Not with ME, of course!

The Tess girl would be fun in bed, too. She would laugh a lot and be generally goofy. Certainly not intense, ever. But she seems like she’d be wild and energetic.

The other lady wouldn’t enjoy it. She’d rebuff all his efforts at first, then finally succomb, just laying there and waiting for him to get it over with. The corners of her mouth would turn down, and she would let her mind go elsewhere so she wouldn’t have to face all the emotional pain. That poor lady.

The Tess girl just dropped her keys and picked them up, looking at me. I smiled at her but she had already turned away. Front on, she looks a little bit like Leah Wood.

Blue lady is leaving with her basket of laundry. It looks like I have 4ourteen minutes left on the dryer. *rubbing my forehead* I am so tired. Blue lady drives a beat-up gold Honda like Mark Scharfen’s old one.

Maybe that lady wouldn’t be frigid in bed. If she really loved someone, maybe she’d be very gentle and tender. I’m thinking that by watching her fold her clothes. Her face softens then. But when she faces the world, she puts up the wall. Eww. She smells like buttermilk.

Tess girl is wearing baggy clothes. She keeps dropping things. She’s wearing a baseball cap. I almost said baseball bat! Ha ha! She’s wearing a big, bright, yellow coat, and baggy black pants. A college sweatshirt. It’s grey. Her cap is beige. She just had her tongue on her upper lip.

Wow. Now I’m the only one here. I have either 8ight, 3hree, or 2wo minutes left. I can’t see from here. Let me check. I think it’s eight.

OH NO, the sun just came out COMPLETELY!! Well, whatever. I guess that’s kind of nice sometimes. *stretch* I’m ready to go. I want to go see Wayne and EAT!!

Ew. I had a pubic hair on the sleeve of my sweater. Ha. I just had this sudden feeling that that was why “everyone was staring at me.” NObody was staring at me. I was staring at all of THEM!! : )

NOW I have 3hree minutes left. YAY! ^_^

Well, the days keep going. They keep ticking off and disappearing into the night like a cold wind. What happens to them? Where do they go? Where do they even COME from??

I’m in the laundromat. That cute little gay guy is here. He kind of reminds me of Kevyn Aucoin. Today he’s wearing a cute little flannel dark grey cap, a wool sweater that is olive green with horizontal beige stripes, a lighter olive green t-shirt underneath, beige cargo pants with the cuffs rolled up, and those same cute little shoes. With no socks!!! D: Aw. He just took his cool black glasses off. He is just so CUTE!

I cried on the phone a little bit to Wayne today. I realize that I don’t really feel like a part of the congregation any longer. I feel like an outcast. A loser. Maybe if I went out in service more, I wouldn’t feel like that.

I’m going to take a treat to Wayne. : ) I’m going to share my yummy egg casserole with him. I have a piece for him in my car. : ) He’s letting me take my Watchtower — I mean, take HIS Watchtower, because I can’t find mine.

That guy is just so CUTE!!! I can’t stand it! He’s bending his leg so he can fold his clothes. Just look at him. Aww.

I feel bummed. I had to cancel my plans with Gennifer Goodman– or is it Genifer? I think there’s only one N. Um, anyway, I had to cancel because there’s a party tonight for us drama folk in Meridian at Ylon Howell’s house. No one invited me!! They all forgot all about me! At the time, I was bummed, because, well, I was IRRITATED because it got in the way of my life and caused a big inconvenience and I feel really bad about cancelling on Genifer. But now it just adds to my feelings of being an outsider and not belonging. I hope there will be enough alcohol there. Anything alcoholic will be enough.

Oh, no, the sun is shining off my car. I hope the sun isn’t coming OUT. -_- I prefer it grey and cloudy, thank-you-very-much.

Wayne’s going to give me some chocolate. :9 Yummm. Cutie guy just left. He was smiling. He seems so nice. I keep seeing phantom spiders out of the corner of my eye.

“I prefer a summer sky to the glittering and stinging in my eye”

Well, it’s REALLY cold in this car, but I don’t have enough gas to want to turn on the heater! It’s an awesomely windy day today. It’s really exciting.

It feels strange to be starting a new journal. It feels like it should commence with something profound, not just another day of the week. Oh well. And usually I’m listening to a new CD!

Brrr. Well, I was thinking. I was (finally) reading the new Watchtower about virtue and it kept stressing how vital meditation is. That gave me…well, it made me feel bad because I hate the concept of the mental discipline of meditating. BUT– I suddenly realized…well, the article brought out all these things that I do think about that are actually considered meditation.

Wow. It is so beautiful out there! The parking lot has a thin sheet of tiny white hailstones on it. The wind is blowing HARD, and it moves the tiny stones in ripples over the ground. Since you can’t really see the individual stones, it almost looks like ripples of water or even milk.

Wow! A cloud is moving across the field over there! Moving THROUGH it!!

Anyway, I realized that if I wrote in this journal after studying, that would be meditation, and it would be so much easier for me I could do it!

THE HOSPITAL

Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here
Sighing here alone
Sitting in this chair staring at this screen
(I am the screen)
I wish my life would turn into a butterfly
I wish I wouldn’t have to live this slow death
But I could watch myself flit from existance to existance
Never really caring
Never really committed to anything
Not really responsible for anything
Changeable and mercurial
Pure and free, impure and free
But it would still be empty
And it would be frightening
And I would still be alone
And I would still sleep in the same bed at night
And I would still stare at the same screen
And I would still eat the same food and drink the same wine
Until I make myself sick
And I would be the bane of the existance of all who knew me
I would be a burden and they would worry
And say, “Is she OK?”
And, “What happened to her? She used to be so responsible.”
And, “I used to be proud of her.”
Or I could bash my brains out on the wall
And they would put me in the hospital
I could have a cold, white room and wrap myself in blankets
I would live off my parents’ money in the institution
And they would study me with a two-way mirror
And give me personality tests and psychological profiles
And perhaps even shock treatment
And lots of medication that made me hallucinate
And cry for no apparent reason
The other patients would steal my lunch
And I would sit in the recreation room and make origami
Or paint on a real easel with tempera
And weep when the colors run together and drip to the floor
But only my family would be allowed to visit
And they would treat me like a child and I would hate them
And scream at them and pound my fists until they left
And the doctors would pity me and shake their heads
And I would write letters
And slit my wrists
And wear bandages and cover my head in the corner on the floor
And I would think about him
And wonder how he was; convince myself he was tired of me
And the letters would disinterest me after a while
So I would exist from day to day
And talk about my childhood
And hoard stale cupcakes underneath my bed
Because you never know when you would need them
And then one day I would see his face in my window
And believe it was a dream
I would touch the foggy, curved pane of glass and sing to myself
Believing it was a dream, and his eyes would be round and wet with grief
And I would start to cry
The doctors would send him away
And I would never have known he was there.

MY OWN

I speak in languages not my own
I can’t keep away and I am lost
I cry; these tears are not my own
Ah, I love you
And you are not my own
My eyes touch your lips
But my fingers remain on my lap
I reach with my mind
For your body
But I am cold and alone
I’d close my eyes, but you haunt me
I’d chase you away but you call me
I’d deaden my senses but you enthrall me
I’d cry out in agony
But your steady gaze stops the breath in my throat
I’d run and keep running away
But I can’t keep away
I am still lost
And I can’t stop looking for you
And still you are not my own.