So what happens now?
Why is there never enough pink?
I want fuchsia all around me, surrounding me
I want rich purple-pink draperies
Shimmering fabrics, vibrant and enveloping
Warming me and my world in sensual warmth
They all hate me
This world is so cold
“Ramona is so cold. When she broke it off with Leon,
She said, ‘The rain is enough. I don’t want to see his face
Again.’
Ramona was so cold…”
Is this Dido too?
Why did she pick that name? It sounds like Fido.
Nothing is ever enough.
Why can’t I be satisfied?
When will my soul be sated? Can it be? Will it?
I want to be surrounded by fuchsia.
Majenta.
…yes, that was Dido.
Magenta, pink fire, plumes, flumes
This…these words suck. They don’t mean anything
They’re not saying anything
I don’t feel any warmth from anywhere or from anybody
I need pink
Pink would make me feel loved
Majenta and fuchsia would be rich and intense
And the love would fill me and overflow
I would be rich and drunk
Drinking pink from a solid golden goblet
Fill me fill me
Fill me with fuchsia
These words are little
They are little scrapes of meaning
They’ve blown away in the wind
I kick at them in frustration and watch the dust
Billow behind them as they roll away.
Look at me. I’m all ready to go to bed. Hell, I’m so exhausted!
Amy didn’t come over tonight. She was really tired too. Voyager was such an awesome episode. B’Elanna found out she was pregnant and her and Tom are trying to cope. She wanted to do some genetic resequencing thing to remove the Klingon from her genetic code and of course Tom was totally upset. All these memories were brought back to B’Elanna of how her father couldn’t handle living with “Klingons” anymore, and left. B’Elanna believed it was all her fault and that Tom would eventually leave her himself. I don’t know. It was a little oversimplified, but it all was really intense– the whole father/daughter thing. She kept talking about how tight and close they used to be, but as she entered teenage years they became really distant, and she was getting more temperamental. And he didn’t get along with her mom anymore, so he left. She overheard her dad talking about her mom to his friend. It made her try to run away. When he caught her she told him to leave, and when he DID a couple of weeks later, she believed it was because of what she said. By the end of the episode she was finally seeing herself (and her child) in a new light and began to accept things the way they were. It was really touching. By the end of the episode I was sobbing. I’m glad Amy wasn’t with me. : )
I need to go to the bathroom. Hey, Sara’s getting married in January of 2002. Ty proposed to her in front of a rock quarry that was “really ugly but was beautiful ’cause he was with Sara.” I’m holding my breath. Their relationship has been somewhat volatile. I’m a little concerned for her, but I so much love to see her happy. : ) I have mixed feelings. Well, mostly, I so much don’t want to get involved in her life. I like her friendship at a distance. It scares me to get too close. But I do get to be a bridesmaid! 
That’s fun!! I’ll keep them together just for that! : )
Something’s pulling at my skin and drawing it tight
I am a cave dweller thrown into a world of bright light
I am not fancy and I don’t know where I’m going
Why do I look different than I feel different than I’m knowing?
I am the grey, I am the dark
I am the pain and the numb and the stark
I am love but I’m lost
A flower frozen in frost
And now I am violence and fear
Dread confusion and despair
And what am I afraid of? Why all this panic?
Why do I claw at my face like I’m creepy and manic?
And now here it comes,
The darkness, the blood
Black ideas as wispy as air
Curl around my throat and hair
They thrill me intensely with pleasure and terror
And they are gone, I’m left with a choice
To run or to stay in the Dragon’s lair.
Speaking of something slightly strange
As I sunk sadly into spongy softness
The covers surrounding my skin, gently brushing
The lights disappeared
Everything was black
I grasped for something to hold on to
But discovered only slips and grasps of tendrils of something real
But it was smoke, and the sheets twisted around my side
I searched wildly for something warm
But my hair was grasped by something stronger
And it pinned me back against the mattress
I flailed and flopped, a fearful, terrified fish
My fists seized the thing, but its strength wore me out
So I remained still, and sailed sorrowfully backward,
My unconsciousness broken into shattered glittering glass,
Pieces of sand swirling into the air and carried oversea.
My throat ached to sob but heavy black pushed on my chest
And my eyes could not focus so I turned on my side,
Surrendering to sleep, my fingers twitched,
Reaching for someone warm until they recoiled against the cold skin of the wall.
I just read one verse out of Ezekiel. Jehovah is still getting after Oholibah and stuff. Those bitches!
Wow. I really don’t feel like talking or explaining. It seems so exhausting and tiresome. Well, I’m tired.
Goodnight! : )
O if only I had words to write!
But I don’t.
I’m only a small membrane.
A fleeting sickly gall
Torn on the pages of life love’s present and past.
Squeezing into the interiors of minds not known–
Formulating formulas of the plan
Foreign Gods and my almighty.
Speaking Spanish and spitting hate
Caught in a dreadful morph of lunch
Speeding and freaking, screeching to a halt
Crying and crunching on the pavement
Rubbery cement like this burns and becomes scabby, roaring on my thigh
Like a hundred wheezing chickens
Scrounging and scarfing and scuffing the pain off the walls
Crawling up and down like a spider, me.
To bad I am gone–
I could have been so pretty–
if I were here.
I just read the last chapter of 2 Kings. I read it but I couldn’t concentrate. I had no idea what it said.
I just took a shower. I’m such a good girl. : ) All clean, too.
I’m really tired but I feel like reading my Otherland book. I think I’ll do that.
David Bowie is 54 today!! 
I just read half of 2 Kings chapter 17. I’d read more of it if I felt like it. I’m tired and I need to go to bed. : ) (And not masturbate this time!) 
I didn’t really understand what was going on. Those Israelites sure could be bad, though. “They kept selling themselves to do bad”, what an interesting way of putting it. Selling their minds, selling their bodies, selling their mental health. Murdering their children.
Good night. I plan on sleeping well. I keep wanting to say nice things like, “Take care of yourself!” and, “Have a nice rest.” But I’m not talking to anybody. I guess I’m saying them to myself. : )
“OK, I will! Thanks!” 
Yay! I’m a good girl! I’ve been working in my CO-BOOK. Dinner at the Salkas’ was really fun. Kelly and the Arbogasts were there, too. I’m beginning to like Gary. And Shannon is cool. I just read Ezekiel 23:28-31. It was about Oholibah, the slut. He is giving her the same “cup” as her sister. Cool, huh. My nose is exploding because I just drank three glasses of wineat the Salkas’.
Anyway, I know Oholibah is supposed to be Isreal committing spiritual fornication w/ other kings of the earth. Is sexual idolatry like that? Are addictions like that? Does this pen suck? YES!!!
I worked on my co-book. I reviewed some and re-did some. I feel really good about this evening. I got so much done. Laundry, grocery shopping, a little magazine reading. I prepared my lunches for the week and checked my e-mail, then I did my co-book and Bible reading. Next I’ll read out of my Otherland novel and go to sleep. ^_^
