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I was reading a bunch out of my Healing book today. I finally got my own copy in the mail yesterday, so I’m able to mark in it. I’d like to share some of the stuff I marked and my impressions.

Holy cow I read a lot! Over ten pages!

THINGS THAT RITUAL ABUSERS HAVE IN COMMON WITH CULTS: (the
things I identified with)

Dogma is more important than people
There is a radical separation of good and evil
There is a demand for purity
Members are ceaselessly monitored
Capitalize on members’ fear and ignorance
They promote a sense of separateness through an “us” and “them” mentality
Paranoid view of the outside world
Members give up autonomy in exchange for approval and acceptance
Mind control is used to indoctrinate the victim into the group’s belief system
There is a well-defined heirarchy

Under the subheading “THE AFTEREFFECTS”

This struck me very personally. This is so me. “I am bad. I am subhuman. I can lose control and then bad things happen. I am not to be trusted. I cannot trust myself. I destroy the things I love. I am unable to protect myself or anyone (or anything) else. I am powerless. I am guilty. I am unloveable. No one must ever know about me. If anyone finds out who I am, they will hate me. I will be punished for what I did. Only the cult knows what I did and still ‘loves’ me. Maybe I do
only belong in a cult.”

Ack, that could have been taken out of my journal. Except for the word ‘cult’. I have no direct knowledge of being involved in a cult like that. But I’ve felt that way about ‘Johnny’ before. Is he really a demon? Or could he be connected to a real person somehow? Or did I just happen to get to know him while introduced to wicked spirits by other people? What other people? WHO? The use
of the word ’subhuman’ is so … me; I just relate to it so much. I’ve used that word in connection with myself so many times. Why?

“Violators may purposely make children associate good things with their opposites. They may teach children to associate love with hate and abandonment, trust with attack and betrayal, joy with catastrophe, and so on.” Geez. Story of my life. :p I can’t even *feel* love without simultaneously fearing abandonment. I can’t trust without being alert to attack. I guess that means I can’t trust. I can’t experience joy without that underlying certainty that something bad is about to happen. It’s not fair! Why do they do this to us?!

“She (Josie) does not believe that she is entitled to the naturally good things in life. If children were allowed to follow their natural inclinations, pursuit of pleasure would compete with the designs of a cult.” For the first time, pursuit of pleasure looks like something meaningful,
healing and desirable instead of selfish and ungodly. Take, for example, pursuing a job and career you would actually *enjoy*. That is *so* frowned upon within the JW organization. It’s actually *feared*.

Wow, it’s already almost six thirty!

I want to copy and paste this in an email to Dan so he can know what’s going on in my life today.

Argh, I don’t feel like company. I’ll remain silent for a while. But I’ll still send him this.

How am I feeling and why? I don’t know.

I think I might have started feeling bad when I went on Pathways. I must have read something that bothered me.

I was reading Matthew chapter 5 in other translations during lunch, and I’m really kind of confused about a particular verse. It says something about ‘before heaven and earth pass away’. I’m wondering if that’s literal or hyperbole. I’ll have to think on it some more. I still have more translations to read.

I’m feeling really empty and drained. DRAINED, that’s it. I feel drained. ‘Twas a long weekend.

Last night over dinner I finally got a chance to talk to Dan about his feelings…it was really enlightening. It was really cool.

He said that in the long term, he just can’t remain in the organization. Which means I’ll have to face up to it too, by association. But it’s too stifling for him, especially when it comes to him being able to speak his mind. That is so important to him…he’s a natural teacher, and to listen
to others teaching poorly is like hell for him.

Mostly I’m terrified of the inevitable. I think my mom will eventually be able to deal with it, but I seriously worry about my dad. Both of them have invested all their happiness in me. And I know that if I turned my back on the organization it would be worse than death to them. And I’m their only child…their only ‘hope’. Geez that makes me sound like Obi Wan Kenobi or something. :rolleyes: I don’t know how to handle disappointing them and the entire fucking circuit. All at once. Worse than death. Seriously, that would depress me deeply. I would probably have to go back to seeing a counselor…that part would be good.

I just read a really interesting article about the JW conversion process…very interesting indeed.

It was kind of narrow, I think; I’m sure not *everyone* reacts to studying with JWs the same way. And since I was raised a JW, I have no reference point.

But it was just really interesting, discussing some brainwashing techniques used. It asserts that its methods are *superior* to brainwashing in that it teaches the student to brainwash himself. /think/

So it’s got me thinking. It put me in touch, again, with …

…s’cuse me…just had thought slice through my brain.

Maybe my mom *would* understand if I “went apostate”. God I hate that word. If I severed JW ties. Not that I want to. *wince*wince* What if her discussion with Carmen was preperatory? Is that a word?? I mean, at the end, she had to concede that she was happy that Carmen was happy…she’d
assumed that she was just miserable as a DF’d person. But when she realized she was really happy, Mom couldn’t help but be glad for her. But still…later…she did say it wasn’t funny when I joked about being apostate. *sigh* Nevermind.

Anyway, back to my previous thought. It put me in touch again with the fear I felt…the creepy feelings that I experienced when I first realized JWs have some cult methods. (i.e. brainwashing) It makes me wonder if by continuing to attend meetings and go out in service I’m preventing more healing on my part. By continuing to associate with the org my social needs are met. In a way.
But surrounding myself with Witnesses doesn’t help me relate to the world in general. I’m stunted that way. If I had *no* contact with other Witnesses, I would be forced to learn how to communicate with *others*. Something I never really learned well. Hmm.

…kind of like plans within plans, you know.

I *wish* I was that cool.

Dan’s been talking a lot lately about leaving the org. some time after our marriage. It makes me sad. But I understand that for someone in his position it would be more difficult to conceal your true feelings…especially since some of the things affect him deeper than me.

For me, it’s far more important to remain with my friends in family than it is for me to be true enough to myself to stick with an organization I don’t trust in my heart. He seems to act on principles more often than I do…I tend to act a little more selfishly, I think, but I don’t think
there’s anything wrong with that, either. Of course I would wholeheartedly support any decision he would make.

But it would be so hard. He was talking about our wedding perhaps being the last time he’ll ever see Susan and Jason again. That *is* heartwrenchingly sad. I hope not. I really hope things can turn out OK for everybody.

Maybe part of my ’selfish’ thinking is Idealism. Or rather, a blind belief that everything will turn out OK instead of looking at things realistically. Or maybe he’s just worrying about things before they happen and being unrealistic himself. Who knows. I should draw him out and get his deeper feelings on this. He’s mentioned it once or twice but I haven’t asked him lots of questions.

I really love him. I care about him so much. He’s under a lot of distress lately. There’s nothing like losing your religion to ruin your day. Week. Month. Year. Life.

I’m figuring stuff out.

I posted a question asking everyone why they belived the Bible was God’s word. It was cool. It got me thinking about different things and I realized from Judy’s post that what I’m primarily having a problem with is trusting Bible *principles*. Because I’m feeling regret over the last 10 years of my life.

My tummy hurts.

I mean, I would have gone to wild parties, drank, taken drugs, and engaged in promiscuous sex. It probably would have killed me. But I’m so drawn to that. Now I can drink, and I do, and sex is in the future, BUT how can I go to wild parties? I don’t know any wild people. And I want to take drugs. I don’t know any druggies. I can’t get drugs. I want to go to a wild party and take drugs. I just want the experience.

Dan said he would support whatever I wanted to do. So if I ever had the opportunity to take drugs, he would let me. It would be nice because I would feel safe with him, and he would take care of me and be the designated driver and all that. I WANT TO.

LOL This girl is stomping around the office and it’s really funny and loud.

Ugh.

I feel like shit.

I don’t even know how to talk about everything. Let’s just say that I”M SICK OF RELIGION and I want to do whatever the hell I WANT. I hate the stupid fucking stigma that goes with religion, the supposed prudery, the whole “Jesus loves me” load of CRAP.

I am not feeling able to accept love right now. During the meeting I couldn’t feel Jehovah’s, Alyssa’s, or Dan’s love. Well, I tried. I got all choked up when Alyssa wrote me a note that said “ur special”.

It’s all a fuckiNG JOKE. I want to turn my back on it all and make my life hell. I want to act out and be a shit head. I want to be drunk all the time, party, get high, have group sex, I want to do all of it. What’s really IRRITATING is that none of that really interests me like it used to. Well the getting drunk and high does. When it really comes down to it I don’t want to have sex with
anyone but Dan. But maybe if I was drunk and high enough it wouldn’t matter.

He said he would totally support anything I felt I needed or wanted to do to act out. God, I adore him. (Rock is Dead - Marilyn Manson)

I’ve been reading lots of stuff on Pathways. I’m determined to read every post on that site if it kills me…hahaha!

I’ve been reading the news forum most recently, and much of it is devoted to exposure of child abuse cases. Fascinating. It’s kind of frustrating because the media sensationalizes everything, to manipulate emotions. I hate that. But I’m looking for the grains of truth, and they’re
definitely there.

Yesterday I read a news article that was quoting this one lawyer…he said that he learned of a very extreme child abuse case and was shocked and didn’t really believe it could have happened. But then he heard of another case with the same experience…and another…I think he said in the end there were about 300 cases of the same type of thing. He didn’t go into detail of what it was. But I
thought that was really interesting. I really wonder what it was.

It just puts me in mind of the things the Austins have talked to me about. I used to disbelieve all these child abuse cases because I just couldn’t believe it would happen in the organization. Idolatry. Of course it’s prevalent, and of course it’s being covered up. Satan corrupts everything he can get his hands on. There is no safety in the organization. The only safety is individual reliance on Jehovah.

LOL

I’m just feeling really great. I keep immersing myself in the Pathways website…I love it to death. I love the hell out of it! LOL

For one thing, it feels so damn good to be able to THINK!! I can actually think! I can actually concentrate on and understand the posts. And they’re *interesting* to me. I think because finally it *means* something *personal* to me. I even feel like reading the more in depth posts on the witness site. I don’t feel overwhelmed by it all anymore.

Of course, being at work hampers me a bit…because I really can’t immerse myself in a thought while I’m reading…I have too much to do and there’s too much of a chance of getting caught. But I LOVE FREE THINKING!

And it’s really encouraging to me to read that people *can* choose to remain in the organization if they want to. *I* want to. Some aspects of it are very difficult for me now though. Namely, service. But so many *other* things are lightening up and becoming easy for me, so that makes me
happy.

Shelly signed up on Pathways too…she reminds me so much of Amy. I wonder if Amy would ever get to the point where she would join Pathways? That would be cool.

YAY! My song is on the radio. Losing My Religion. :thumbs:

I really love the site Dan sent me to…Pathways-Online. It’s awesome. The people there are sooo nice. And of course, soooo understanding! LOL

I went out in service this morning…it was kind of funny. When I first woke up, la di da, another service day, I felt strangely unsettled and I couldn’t remember why. Then I was like, oh yeah, I don’t really believe my religion anymore! LOL

I really didn’t enjoy service. I mean, I really enjoyed the fellowship. I loved spending time with Dan and the Arbogasts…it was just really fun. But when it came to really talking to people at the door…ughhh…I actually felt embarrassed to be there. I only went to the door with
Shannon…she was trying to argue with this really cool guy. I really liked the things he was saying and by the time we left I felt a lot of respect for him. But she just wanted to keep arguing with him and when we left she felt really irritated by him. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be
associated with her mindset.

Tomorrow is the Sunday meeting…the first Watchtower study. I’m looking forward to the public talk…Dan Corey is giving it, and I love him. I’ve never heard him give a public talk before, and I’m really excited!! He’s too cool. I’ll be interested to see how being at the KH feels after Thursday. I wonder if I’ll have enough presence of mind to be able to continue thinking
clearly…or will I need some more time in my book to help settle things out again?