STAR CHART

Wow, we had the best weekend in the world. Hee hee! I mean, it was the best. The Gemini Twins are too awesome for words…I can’t believe how well we get along with them. I’ve never gotten along with a couple as well as that before…I usually relate well to either the man or the woman, but never both. Wow!

Wow…the thermostat in the house is below 60 degrees, and we’ve had the heat on for two hours. :p

There’s just no way I can communicate how awesome the weekend was. (Ha! I was communicating so badly I wrote “know way”!)

We drove into Portland and had Thanksgiving with the Gemini Twins and Odrade and her husband. All of us are ex-Witnesses, so we spent a lot of time bitching about the shit we’ve been through. We also watched a lot of Beavis and Butthead, South Park, and Family Guy episodes this weekend. So I’ve been like…talking like Beavis and Butthead non stop. Heh heh. I said butt.

Anyway. Michelle took me fabric shopping; she’s going to make me a quilt!! I also was able to buy Christmas presents for Aquarius, Scorpia, and Dan.

On our way back to Boise (boo hoo), Jonna called and invited us to her birthday party. Apparently her birthday was today! So we ran by Cost Plus on our way home and bought her some chocolate. We had a good time…ate food, watched the rest of X2, and chatted briefly about our weekends. Ha ha! Nathan’s funny.

I’ll be posting more pics in here when I have Dan sit down and teach me how to work the scanner.

*sigh* Another happy email from Lauren. SHE’S COOL!

Anyway. I’m feeling insanely happy. Getting out of Boise felt so damn good! And we were away long enough that coming home was nice too. Instead of the indoor weather and all…sheeesh.

Yay! And though the Gemini Twins won’t be able to make it down for our Christmas party, they still can make it for New Year’s! I can’t wait til they can meet our friends.

I feel like I’m missing so much. The weekend was practically magical. And we were hanging out with a bunch of N’s…that was so cool. I mean even when we were at Odrade’s, they were all N’s too. Well Odrade’s husband was kind of hard to tell, because he was so quiet. He could have been an ISFP, but I’m thinking he was probably an INFP. Odrade was totally ENTJ. She was cool…she had this cool book called Bodymind, which is about psychosomatic stuff. The stuff I’ve read on emotional healing has touched on being in touch with your body and how that can help, but only briefly, just enough to get me curious. The book sounds really interesting…like it could help me get in touch with my body more (heh, heh heh). I mean, I live inside my head so much that I’m rarely in tune with how my body feels. That has been said to have a large impact on emotional healing in itself. I want to take Yoga classes for that reason.

Gotta get a job. Gotta get a job. Tomorrow I must go about getting my name changed. (Wow, that sounds important! :P)

The jeans are in the dryer. We got up late because Dan woke up at 6 and couldn’t get back to sleep until 9. And we all know how I slept last night. So we didn’t get up til after noon. :p

I was laying in bed…totally exhausted…I’m totally exhausted! But I just couldn’t stand the feelings inside. I couldn’t even cry, I was just feeling enfuriated. And I had no one to be mad at…it was just that reading about getting in touch with anger right before bed made my brain ready to start releasing rage, and I have no outlet right now. I tried to dig my nails into my sides, but my hands start shaking and I can’t hurt myself too badly.

I just kept thinking about knives, cutting…finally I got up because I was starving. Dan woke up and I touched his leg; he kind of moaned. : ) I told him I loved him and came in here to the dining room. Once the lights were on and I wasn’t laying in bed in the dark with nothing else to do and I could distract myself with the laptop, I stopped thinking about cutting myself and got myself some pieces of cheese and some orange juice instead.

I’m seriously considering taking a knife with me to bed though. I dunno…it gives me a feeling of comfort to know that I would have a sharp object by my side. Laying there feeling helpless and hopeless is much worse. Actually, it’s a feeling of control.

I sent my mom an email. I broke the silence…she’d been wanting a copy of my Whidbey Island poem, and I haven’t spoken with any witnesses since I told Mark to leave me alone. I’m worried that she’ll take that as the “OK and go-ahead” that I’m ready to talk to people and that she’ll tell Mark and he’ll email me again. I’m feeling scared.

Fuck it, I’m damn tired! I want to be able to sleep. I’m so tired. I don’t want to deal with this…I just want some fucking PEACE.

GOODBYE WHIDBEY
Sunday, October 26, 2003, 9 a.m.

Thank you, beautiful ocean
For being my place to be
Thank you for being so peaceful
Thank you for being the sea.

Thank you, my beautiful island
For accepting us into your heart
Thank you for giving me solace
Thank you for showing me art.

I learned something new…that it’s OK to complain. In fact, it’s good to complain. : ) That was a happy thought.

The section on anger was hard to read. I have soooo much unexpressed and repressed anger. There was a list of common symptoms of people who have repressed anger, and guess what, I have all of them. Reading the paragraphs in that subheading was very difficult, and I cried all the way through. It talked about hitting things like pillows, throwing tomatoes at the wall, screaming, yelling.

Why the hell can’t I do stuff like that? I’ve punched pillows and kicked things like that before…somewhere between my hand or foot drawing back for the hit and the actual hit, the feelings dissipate and I slow down and kind of lightly tap the thing instead and all my feelings are gone. And I’m standing there thinking, where did it all go? I was mad a second ago…and I feel so frustrated because I feel like I can’t get anything out. And there have been a couple of times I actually have had a flash of anger in which I threw a book or something, but afterwards I always feel utterly humiliated and ashamed. And there is no way I could ever do anything like that with someone else in the same house.

I did a bit of housework today…cleaned up another spot in the living room and did a couple of loads of laundry. I still have two more to fold and put away. There are lots of clothes everywhere…*rolls eyes*

I’m feeling very tired. Tonight we watched Jack Frost, which is my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. Dan hadn’t seen it; it was fun to watch it with him. : )

Right now the spiked hot chocolate is perfect. I’m cold, and it’s warming me up quite a bit. : )

Ummm…I’m starting to perceive that I feel sad. I wonder why. Why?? I’m feeling kind of…fatalistic about something, for some reason, I think, and I don’t know why or what about. I’m getting a physical feeling like I’m about to cry and I don’t know why…I feel disconnected from my feelings.

Anyway. I’m listening to David…that always helps a lot. I’m listening to Reality, which I haven’t listened to in a while. Where’s Low? I can’t find it anywhere, and it’s my favorite. Unsettling. But anyway, it was really exciting to listen to Never Get Old again (my current theme song) because …I needed to. I cleaned the kitchen, that’s done. : )

Since it’s snowing, I also put in Bjork’s Vespertine and Moby’s 18. : ) I wanted to put in David’s Low, like I said, but I don’t know where it is.

Holy cow, a Schwan’s truck just drove by and it scared the shit out of me!