Silly Girl Can’t Sleep!
Yes that’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted and I can’t sleep. My wrist also really hurts and I don’t know why. Also the top of my head really itches and I have to keep scratching it.
Also I heated up some milk to hopefully help me sleep and I burnt my tongue on it. So I’m kind of a mess! LOL.
I do want to talk about some really beautiful thoughts Dan shared with me earlier. (When it was still yesterday.)
I hadn’t been realizing it, but I’d been thinking of our marriage as a give-and-take thing, an equal give-and-take way of living. And usually I felt like I was taking a lot compared to what I was giving. And it felt like I was living a debt I could never repay.
Dan was telling me that for one thing, he was expecting to fully support me in marriage so I wouldn’t have to work at all…he came into our marriage with that as a plan of what he wanted to do. Since he gives so much to me emotionally (let’s face it…I’m a wreck half the time, and he always tries to be there for me), I feel like I should be giving equally to him emotionally. The thing is, he rarely needs the caliber of emotional help that I need. So I usually feel rather worthless. But he told me that what emotional support means is spending time with someone, laughing with them, being there for them when they need someone to talk to, and yes, giving extra when they fall apart. But relationships can’t be based on people falling apart and putting each other back together…he said two people who are always falling apart shouldn’t marry one another (newsflash!). Basically…he’s fine with being there for me when I need him and he’s fine with whatever I do…
The more he talked, the more I realized that he doesn’t view marriage as an equal give-and-take thing. I got the sense that he views it as a pool. It was such a revelation to me… there are no sides. There is no catching up to do. There is no living up to to do. There’s no “I do this, so why doesn’t he do that?” in sight. There’s no giving with a view to seeing what you get in return. Therefore, if the only reason you give is so that you’ll get, then you don’t have to give at all. You can just get. When I told him I finally saw things from this perspective, he told me that he views all relationships like that. Marriage, friendships, business partnerships, even daily business transactions like at the bank or the supermarket. It’s just that some of them have bigger pools than others, obviously. But you don’t go through life with your friends and marriage mates like you’re paying money for groceries…you just give to add to the pool, and when you need, you get from the pool. There’s no payback. It’s all pay-it-forward. : )
Actually it’s that Communist credo…I don’t even remember the whole thing. Something like “each in his own ability” meaning that you give what you can and that’s it. It doesn’t work in government but it’s beautiful for relationships.
Most people don’t live that way…a lot of people give to you and after a while, if they feel like it’s too one-sided, will start to make demands. I know I’ve done that a lot. But if you can’t give more then you can’t give more, and the person will have to take from a different pool.
Everything seems so much easier that way…I mean, sure, there are lots of times when I need more than Dan can give me at any particular time. But that doesn’t mean that he owes me anything later. It also doesn’t mean that the pool is empty. I can look at it and see what he’s already put in there….and if I still need more, I can call a friend and share a pool with them, or spend some time alone nurturing myself and make my own pool. Or go to the library and take from their pool of knowledge. I mean, there are so many ways to look at this! And the pool isn’t just emotional…it’s mental, monetary, physical, spiritual. It can come in the form of a hug, an idea, teaching, menial tasks, favors, food, comfort, laughter, advice, physical training, financial aid, a wrapped present, jokes, music, art…nature gives us a pool, too, in sunsets, sunrises, flowers, animals. God, the whole world is a giant pool!!! LOL! There’s always something in it. It may not be exactly what you thought you needed, but you can always find something to draw from it if you look right.
Anyway. When I initially got the basic idea of that, I felt so relieved. I had been putting myself under tremendous amounts of pressure to try to give back as much as I felt like I was getting from Dan. But he just views life as an opportunity to give, he just gives, and whoever is close to him gets to benefit. (Heehee…being really close has really good benefits…) God! How come I never noticed before? I was so enmeshed in my own way of looking at life…I wanna be like Dan! LOL! And he doesn’t beat himself up when he doesn’t have anything to give. He just accepts it and … he’s fine! He always finds something to take from the pool…he doesn’t try to take anything from anybody that’s not freely given.
It all goes along with karma, too. If you go through life freely giving, you just kind of end up freely getting… It teaches you grace, I think. It teaches you graciousness. You receive in stride; no awkward fumbling when someone gives something to you. It doesn’t obligate you to them. For anything. Ever. Sometimes you don’t need anything and you end up under the pool’s waterfall…you can relax and let what comes come to you. You don’t have to worry about deserving. Sometimes there’s just an overabundance of love and goodness going around and it has to spill out somewhere. You just happened to be the one. 
I’m so happy.
I was just wondering when I’d hear from her. She wants to get together with us this weekend. I’d love it…I want to show her my altar. 
