This not distracting myself stuff is hard. I knew it was going to be hard, but I’m not getting as much done in the meantime as I hoped I would. It seems that the reading and the distractions were a way to keep me moving, if only in a way that kept me organized mentally. Without it, I tend to spend a lot of time just sitting and staring into space, losing a lot of time without really realizing what I’m thinking about or anything.
There’s a scene in Girl, Interrupted that I really relate to in that way. Toward the beginning, the main character (was her name Susan?) is being interviewed by a psychiatrist, and he asks her a question, and she spaces off, thinking about some stuff that had happened, and then he says her name. She kind of shakes herself out of her daze and looks down at her cigarette, noticing that it had burned way down and that there was a long string of ashes hanging off of it. She seems surprised and confused that so much time had passed. The psychiatrist asks if she’s on drugs, and she says no, still preoccupied and confused. I have been feeling like that a lot.
Last night I discovered that if I’m going to be doing this, I need to type in here before I go to bed. Last night I was really tired and went to bed at 11:30, but had so much on my mind that I didn’t actually get to sleep until after 2 sometime.
Spending evenings is really the most challenging thing about not distracting myself. It’s time to wind down, and I hate going to bed, because I always end up feeling sad and alone lying there in the dark. Usually I play a lot of computer games before bed and then read, so I have my book on my mind when I drift off to sleep. Meditation and relaxation techniques are also really good…there’s this one guided meditation I do a different version of every night in bed. The night that I felt the most overwhelmed, I ended up falling into an abyss and going over several huge underground waterfalls and floating through incredibly deep water, all of which felt really scary. The symbolism is pretty obvious there…I’m terrified of losing myself in my feelings. Finally the Water Faerie showed up and put me on a lilypad and tucked me in a safe quiet inlet, and I fell asleep.
Last night I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the people at work…their personalities, funny things they do and say, nicknames I can give them, that sort of thing. I’m a big nickname fan. Meditation was really hard…at least I got out from underground and found my way to my boat with red sails again. There were some really yummy treats in the hold, too.
I wish we had a good pastry shop here.
I didn’t have to work today, and I tried to get up this morning at 9, but I just couldn’t do it. I finally crawled out of bed at half past noon. I felt horribly icky when I got up…everything seemed so empty and hollow. Devoid, bereft, that sort of thing. But I had planned to run a few errands, and my kitchen was already clean because I’d done it the night before. David Bowie always helps, so I put his Hunky Dory cd in and sat and let it fill me up inside. I took a quick shower and got ready to go.
First of all, I went to Crone’s Cupboard and talked to Susan about the upcoming class on Buddhism. It’s the only class left of the summer offered by Crone’s Cupboard that hasn’t started yet. I am a little disappointed, because there were several others I wanted to take. But I paid for myself to attend all the classes…it’s Monday nights from 7-9, starting June 7 and ending July 12 or something. And Dan wants to come with me! 
I’m really excited about that!
My other errands were more mundane…oh! I did go to Saver’s and spent some money on two pairs of pants and a dress. The dress is something I’ve been looking for for years…I am so excited to have it. The pants are red and black. I already have red and black pants, but the black ones I have are almost like stretch pants, and the new ones are silky. The red pants I have are almost too small for me, and are a little tight around the pockets, and the fabric is balling up in places. But the new ones…are the most comfortable pants I’ve ever put on in my life. They fit like they were made for me, and they are sooooo comfortable. The material is really smooth and soft; they slide around on me like a second skin. I love clothing that makes me feel sensual. Those pants definitely do the trick.
I made dinner tonight…creamy basil chicken. It was really good. Then Dan and I went to this showing of a documentary about people who were arrested for suspicion of terrorism since 911 and detained for ridiculous amounts of time for no other apparent reason than they were from the Middle-East. It was being shown by the Idaho Peace Coalition in an Islamic center. Everyone there was really cool. The documentary was really eye-opening for me…it’s so ridiculous and unfair what these people have had to do. And then they talked about some people in Boise who ended up having to be deported for the same reasons. And there’s someone on trial here, too, but I don’t really know anything about that.
When we came home I was really craving rice pudding…specifically, the rice pudding they have at Mai Thai. So I made some…the recipe was said to be based on an Indian recipe though, and it was delicious!! It was exactly what I was craving. 
Mmmmm…I think I’ll have some more…oooh, I’m going to heat it up and then put half and half on it.
Tomorrow I go back to work at noon. I’m going to have to remember to ask Karey about getting Mondays off for a while. Wouldn’t that suck if she said no?? After I paid for all the classes and everything… :[ I’m sure it’ll be OK though.
I am really really really wanting to go play computer games. Last night I couldn’t stand it and ended up taking a bunch of personality tests. I learned that my tastes in food lean first toward the Earth element, secondly Water, thirdly Air, and lastly, Fire. I took some other silly tests like that too.
I’m running out of things to say. I want to play computer games. I don’t know how to go to bed without distracting myself. How the hell am I going to sleep this week if I’m spending the whole time thinking?! 
What do I do? 
I got pretty drunk, but I never really got very sick, which made me happy. I passed out after we got home and I was really dry the next day…I have been really foggy and out of it, but otherwise feeling OK. It felt good to hang out with people. I don’t feel especially close to anyone that was there, but it was nice to be a part of a group anyway.
Dan suggested that I look into the classes at Crone’s Cupboard, and I realized that was a great idea. So that’s what I’m doing. I don’t really feel inspired by the intro to Buddhism… but I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful thing once it begins.