STAR CHART

I realized the other day that my chief reason for having an online journal has been to “help” other people. I would write sheer pure pain out for everyone to see and people who were like me would read it and feel like they’re not alone. Then as I heal and share what helped me, other people could be helped by what I learn.

But I haven’t been sharing everything…or even very much at all. There are a lot of people who read my journal who I feel uncomfortable sharing some parts of my life with, parts I want to share with my closer friends who also read here. So I’ve been censoring myself…and when I do share something or write something, since I’m thinking about giving, I write almost completely for other people instead of myself. So my words aren’t pure. My thoughts aren’t pure. My creativity isn’t pure.

I’ve been going crazy lately, feeling stifled and artless. I’ve decided I need to write for me only right now, so I probably won’t be updating here as often. I bought a really nice big sketch book to journal in, so I can write for my eyes only.

Arting has become a chore. I only paint anymore when I have ugly feelings I need to get out. There is no “for the sheer joy of it” or pure creativity I want to explore. I need a painting class, I realized. A painting class will be next on my agenda for 2005. I am in a rut because I don’t know any techniques to experiment with or anything…if I took a painting class I could learn so many new tricks, and I would expect that to spark some creativity.
So that’s one thing. Another thing is that I have no emotional energy lately…I haven’t been taking care of myself. I spend a lot of time zoning out online. I’ve decided to make sure I stay in touch with myself, by writing in my sketchbook. It will be very all-purpose…with art and poetry and dreams, plus regular journal entries. Almost like a scratchbook. It’ll be a way to explore and express and be private and do it all for me.

If I spend more time creating only for me, then if I decide to share it, it will be more genuine. It will be me sharing a real part of me instead of me sharing something just because I think it will help someone. Does that make sense? It’s like artistic integrity in music…when a band is indie, they’re full of talent. But if/when they get commercial, it’s bad if they fall into the trap of second-guessing themselves and playing what they think the audience wants to hear. It’s not real or vital anymore. So I guess that’s where I’m at artistically. Hehe.
I’m also getting sick of my work schedule. I am getting so I loathe closing. Sometimes I have to be at work at 8, sometimes at 7 in the morning. And some times I have to work until midnight. When I work late, I can never sleep until, like, 4 a.m. And that seriously screws up my sleep schedule…because Dan’s is so different than mine and on weekends I always want to sleep all day and he’s already up and around. He makes delicious breakfasts I’d hate to miss, too….so when I force myself to get up early, I’m crabby and emotional all day. (Like the past two days.)
I’m going to talk to Karey and see if I can close less… a lot less. I was also thinking about Thomas Hammer coffee…my friend Alli told me that they’re hiring part time baristas, and they pay more than Hastings. I asked Alli tonight if I might be able to get the lady she knows who does the hiring’s contact info, and what Thomas Hammer’s hours are… she said they’re mall hours, which thankfully isn’t as big of a span as Hastings. No more working til midnight, anyway, if I worked there! But this is the cool part…she said that she’s interviewing with the lady (who has worked with Alli before and loves her…and really wants her to work for her again) for a managing position. And if she manages a Thomas Hammer store, she will hire me. YAY! Ha ha, and she said she was going to hire Naomi too, which is our video person. If she hires Rachael, that would be hilarious. Ex-Hastings employees all work at the same coffee shop. LOL.

She told me not to tell anyone. So don’t tell anyone! It’s still all up in the air right now.

I seemed to have lost interest (temporarily?) in new age things for now. I don’t know if I just got burnt out on Susan…even my last Shaman class with her was tense and I left feeling angry, for no reason I could put my finger on.

I kind of had a meltdown the other day…but didn’t I already write about that here? I can’t remember…yeah. The 13th was when I talked about it. Anyway, I still don’t really feel like myself.

I got my hair done yesterday…that exciting just-got-my-hair-done feeling lasted until I got home, and after talking to Dan for a while found out that he doesn’t like it. That was hard to deal with…he wasn’t trying to get me to change it or anything…he only told me because I weasled it out of him. I was really upset for a while, until I realized I wanted him to like my hair because I didn’t want him to be ashamed of me. And it occured to me that that might be a latent evolutionary trait…it kind of occured to me that it’s like a native woman wanting to ensure the security of her mate’s presence (and continued reproduction) by making sure he was always attracted to her. So after that it was easier to let go of the worst of the feelings and realize I could be a human being about it…an individual.

But I look cute. I will post a picture as soon as I have one.

I’m reading my favorite author’s, Tad Williams, new book, Shadowmarch. It’s awesome. I just love his books. I also found his message board that he has up for his fans, and have introduced myself there. I’m telling you…they are sooooo friendly!!! People were offering to bite me and everything. I love it there already. Heh.

First of all we had French toast for breakfast, and talked about politics and our views on war and abortion. I just really love talking about big issues with him because it doesn’t matter what my opinion is (although it often coincides with his) because he is just so non-judgmental about everything. So talking to him is really refreshing, because I don’t have to worry about heated opinions or anything like that. Usually. Ha, no, considering how often we talk about interesting subjects like that, I can think of only twice that he’s gotten passionate about something I didn’t readily agree with. It always makes me nervous, getting that close to a conflict or a confrontation with anyone, but we don’t really have confrontations anyway. Our conflicts are usually quiet and somewhat short-lived (unless we avoid discussing them, which is rare) in any case. Anyway, it was fun!

After that we went and saw Ray, which was very good. I had no idea, I mean, his life was so interesting. I really didn’t know anything about him other than his most popular songs. I always really liked him as a kid. I remember seeing Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder on TV and asking my parents why they swayed around like that and having blindness explained to me. I never really liked Wonder’s music, but I always had a soft spot for Ray Charles. I was really sad when he died.

Anyway, the movie was really good, although I think they wrapped things up too quickly at the end. Which they kind of had to do anyway, or else they would have had to make a miniseries out of it or something! It was 3 hours long as it was, although it was so good it was a real surprise to realise that after we left the theater. It didn’t seem long at all. They kind of did the same thing with Sybil… they got up to covering the first step in the direction of healing, then said, “And they got much better after that and lived happily every after! The end!” It’s like, wait, wait, wait, I wanna know what happens next. How does he get from being able to face his childhood trauma to happily ever after?

And it was really fun to see his songs in context. I actually got a chill for “Hit the Road, Jack”.

After that, we grabbed a bite to eat at the Grape Escape. I had a delicious mushroom and spinach lasagna, and Dan had salmon penne. We each had a glass of wine and did lots of toasting, including to Ray Charles.

After that, we went and saw a contemporary dance performance at the Fulton Street Theater. It was great…all of the pieces were great, but the final one was just breathtaking. It was really really long…I was amazed at how well the dancers held up. It was just absolutely beautiful and moving. The music was rainy and stormy…and the dancers would go from seemingly random activities, everyone doing something different and moving in different directions, to suddenly everyone being perfecty synchronized and moving like one big powerful machine. Dan put really good words to that…it was as if they were highlighting the ability of humans to go from diversity to harmony and back again. Really really beautiful. They got a well-deserved ovation. : )

After that, we went and played pool. It was fun, although I had an odd moment. I was feeling really good about myself, extroverted and powerful. Then these guys were standing in my way when I needed to make a shot, and I just stood there waiting for them, glancing at Dan to roll my eyes. He was like, “Just say excuse me!” and I looked at the talking guys and realized that I couldn’t. I couldn’t just say excuse me! I was standing within their personal space and I couldn’t talk. I just waited until they moved.

So that bothered me. It was frustrating, feeling that powerless, after feeling so empowered. And it wasn’t like there was anything in particular that triggered the powerless feeling. It was as if the feeling of empowerment was just an illusion, and when it came down to it, I really wasn’t there at all.

We came home after a few fun games. Dan surfed online and I painted a picture for Aquarius. It didn’t turn out how I wanted it…the colors are wrong…but it’s still beautiful.

After that I read the prologue and the pro-prologue and the first chapter of my new Tad Williams book, Shadowmarch. Heh. It feels so good to be reading my favorite author. I found his message board, shadowmarch.com, and joined as “Everycat”. Yay.

I haven’t posted or anything yet. I feel like I don’t have anything to say, other than telling my story again for the thousandth time.

On another note, I am going to enter some poetry in a local poetry/acting thing. Actors read local writers’ poetry. I’m going to enter a few of my favorites, and we’ll see what happens. : )

It’s weird. If I go long enough like that, I always have a meltdown, which I did last night. It’s really weird because I just feel like I’m coasting through life, and I feel fine except that I don’t feel like taking the time to do things that I usually need to make me feel good. Like meditating, for example. And then something goes wrong and I’m suddenly full of negative feelings and have to work through a major issue and get it figured out.

Hmm. Maybe I should be looking at this differently. If I don’t feel like doing stuff, maybe the reason is that there is a major issue that needs to get figured out. So it builds up until I’m forced to face it and heal from it. *strokes chin* Fascinating.

So I was looking at books while I was on break at Hastings tonight on people-pleasing (which is my biggest issue, lately). The issue has been getting worse and worse for me. There was one book that looked really interesting, that was called The Disease to Please. Looking through it and reading the summaries at the end of some of the chapters, I thought it looked like something I could really learn a lot from.

I had a long talk with Dan tonight, which was wonderful. It helped to infuse a little sanity into my thinking.

I really need to call Aquarius and find out how she’s doing. I hate having meltdowns because then I forget about everyone and everything else. Bleh!

Yeah…I mean it’s really funny now, to think back, how religious I was. But it’s really sad too. Yuck. It just makes me feel generally unwell.

I ran into a JW at Target today. It was really funny. I was doing some Christmas shopping, and I was carrying this HUGE container full of Christmas decorations and wrapping, and this girl I used to be in the same congregation with walks by. I was staring at her because I wasn’t sure if it was her or not (I’ve been seeing a lot of people lately who looked like her) and she saw me and stopped to say hi. She was really excited to see me and was laughing and chatting and asking how I was and I was telling her how happy I was and how much I love being married. Then she asked me, “so which congregation are you going to?” I told her I wasn’t really going to one right now, and she was like, “Oh….well….I guess I’ll see ya around!”

LOL I just found the whole thing hilarious. I thought she was being all nice to chat with a poor disfellowshipped girl, but nope, she just didn’t know. And there I was holding all this Christmas stuff! It was just so predictable the way it happened. I just think it was so funny she didn’t notice all the Christmas stuff. Afterward, I was a little sad, too. I was laughing and sad at the same time. Kind of ironic laughter I guess. I just kept shaking my head and thinking, such a silly little cult.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. We have extra spending money, and Dan’s giving me $100 to get started on Christmas presents.

I really want to get a hairdo. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment and see how much it would cost. I think I’ll try coloring it myself. (should I wince?) I’m going to get Beyoncé’s hairdo. I feel like such a dork saying that…I hate the whole “let’s all look like the movie stars” syndrome, but I was using one of those websites where you upload your picture and I was playing with different hairdos, and I thought Beyoncé’s hair looked really ugly and put it on myself as a joke. And it looked really good on me!!! I was totally surprised. I looked really girlish and sweet and pretty with it. I don’t think she should have that hair do though. Haha

So I’m excited to start buying Christmas stuff tomorrow. I’m going to set money aside for my hair and spend money on Christmas…a wreath for the front door maybe, and maybe I can start buying presents for people too.