STAR CHART

I’m actually feeling rather icky. It’s Thursday of a long week…career week, with a midterm paper due and a drawing of Suzzallo staircase. I went to one career meeting and there is another this afternoon. I am trying to decide whether or not to go. I really don’t want to go anywhere. On the other hand, it’s valuable information about how to be a working artist, how to prepare a portfolio, and stuff like that. Stuff I really need to know. But I’m mentally and emotionally bleh. I’m just tired. I am home now and the sun is shining through the windows and it’s warm. It’s ice cold outside and windy. Miserable. I would probably find it easier to go if I had a car today. I need to do laundry and homework today, no matter how exhausted I am. Physically…I have been really craving sweets ALL THE TIME. I haven’t exercised this week, though I have been doing a lot of dragging shit around either behind me or on my shoulder or both. I feel like hibernating. In the winter, I am jealous of cats who curl up into a ball in the window. I wish I had a job or something that gave me winters off. Not that I want to work longer the other days of the year, of course. Maybe four day weeks for the rest of the year. I have been mostly focusing on breathing all week. Breathe, breathe, breathe, keep breathing.

P.S. I just realized something. I’m feeling really anxious that if I miss today’s session, I’ll miss some valuable information that I will never have an opportunity to learn again and that I’ll be forever screwed. But that makes no sense! There is always plenty of available information, and as I get nearer to graduating, there will be LOTS of information available to me. I don’t need to freak out. I need to trust the universe a little. It’s not like being an artist is a secret that the world is trying to keep from me.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter I have an hour off between my English and Astronomy classes. I usually go down to the basement in the Denny building and use the computer labs, and chill for a while on Subeta. But Subeta is DOWN! It has been down for a few days actually!

Plus, in my drawing class, we have to draw a picture of a staircase in the Suzzallo library on 18 x 24 paper using the grid system. As you can see, it’s very intricate:

I’m spending all day at school today. Hopefully I’ll get my drawing of the staircase finished, then I’m going to the session at 4 p.m., then I’m going grocery shopping, then I’m doing homework. The art class is going so fast, it’s hard to do a really good job on anything. I need to practice much more. I finished my mid-term paper on “The Yellow Wallpaper”, but I still have a little bit of editing to do. Next week should be more gentle. *faints* LOL

Wow. It is the most beautiful movie I have seen in a long time.

Let’s see how I’m doing on that to-do list I made the other day…

I still have some mail in my inbox I need to respond to. I’m also not going to dye my hair purple. There is all sorts of football going on around here, and I can’t dye my hair purple without people assuming it’s for the team. BLECH!!! I hate football…there is no way in hell I am going to associate myself with it. I’ll wait til I come back from Boise and put some pink over it, so that it will still be dark, but the white streaks will be pink. I miss my pink hair.

Wow. This is the most beautiful thing ever…. :’-)

Seriously, that is some real art right there.

So apparently I didn’t actually have the comments set so that anyone could set up an account to make one, which was why I was able to make one. So you long line of people just dying to comment on my journal….you’re all free to comment now. XD With that, I’ll probably start getting mostly spam again. LOL

So my new phone was delivered on Friday, but I have had no success in getting it activated, because their computer and/or phone system has been having technical difficulties for four days! It’s getting annoying. I want to use my phone already. X3

I’m just rambling…I have an hour between classes and Subeta is being slow…and Coco is offline. X3

I’m just trying to see how much I still need to do out of that little list I made the other day…

I decided to hold off on dying my hair for now…people are playing football and they’ll think I did it for the team.

That would be funny if there was a dildo in that bag.

Today has been a really lovely last day of my vacation. School starts tomorrow! I’m both excited and apprehensive. I’ve been feeling apprehensive lately, mostly because of this unfounded fear that I’m going to discover that I don’t “have what it takes” to be a “real” artist. Dan reminded me that I was comparing myself to an ideal that doesn’t exist, and to remember to be myself instead of what I think I should be. He’s right…when I do that I am happy, no matter what happens.

This afternoon Dan and I took a brisk walk. I have been exercising … trying to exercise… up to five times a week. I walk normal speed for five minutes, and then walk as fast as I can for fifteen minutes, then turn around and walk back as fast as I can for fifteen minutes, and then walk normal speed for the last five. (The last five is a killer though, because our apartment is on top of a hill. XD) In the winter I wear a t-shirt and hoodie, with a hat on and my hood covering it, sweatpants, and running shoes. I’m trying to get up the endurance to start jogging. I listen to drumming music, a playlist of Native American, Celtic, and East Indian drumming. It’s great for exercising, because it’s both invigorating and soothing. Well…the East Indian drumming is more just invigorating. XD The route I take takes me over the University Bridge, so I get splendid views of the water and the houseboats, and sometimes Mt. Rainier. Instead of going back the usual way though, we took off down a sidestreet so Dan could show me some small waterfront parks he’d discovered recently. There is one directly under the freeway bridge, so it’s rather noisy, but it’s quite pretty. There are two weeping willows and lots of green grass. The water comes right up to the bank; you could swim there if you wanted to (though I don’t know why you would). After that park, we walked by several other tiny parks between places of business and more houseboats. Houseboats are so cool. I wish I could live in one. Then we passed by the Eastlake Community Garden…I had no freaking clue there was a community garden so close to our house. I have been wanting to take up gardening, which isn’t very possible on the fourth floor. I have a basil plant, and my friend’s jasmine plant, and I’ve been doing an OK job of taking care of them, but I really wish I knew what I was doing. I have been working with my therapist on my spider phobia, and have gotten to the point that thinking about them doesn’t make my heart beat faster. I saw one in the house the other day, and I still wasn’t comfortable with it, but hopefully I’ll get to the point where I can catch them in a cup and take them outside. Anyway, the spider phobia has prevented me from taking up gardening in the past, but I have been wanting to more and more. The community garden was really cute. It’s winter, so there wasn’t a lot to look at, but while walking through, I felt so warm knowing that there were seedlings and roots sleeping underground, waiting for the spring when the sun would wake them up, and that there would be people waiting for them and taking care of them. I’m definitely going to have to walk down there on a regular basis. I should find out if there’s anything I can do there. I don’t know if they have any plots left. It would be awesome to grow some tomatoes, more herbs, and some lavender. I kind of wish I could have a gardening mentor or take lessons or somehting. XD I have been thinking about volunteering at a community farm for a week this summer. We’ll see.